I have moved!

I am no longer posting on this blog.

Please visit https://twidderslife.wordpress.com/ to continue reading about my life!

Cheers,

F x

Bad days

I think one of my biggest regrets in life is never pushing myself sooner to become someone because I find as I get older that it is more and more difficult to be the person I should be.

I am directionless. I am behind the crowd and unable to catch up because I still keep getting stuck.

I haven't just let myself down. I have also let my family down. I am not the daughter, sister, niece or cousin they deserve. I have nothing to show for my 28 years. I do nothing but daydream. I imagine a life I could have - a life that I will never have.

During my bad days, like today, I do wonder what is the point in trying. As much as I try to believe that I am not a joke, it's hard not to when I realise that I don't amount to much.

I'm sorry for the sad post today. I know it will pass...

Until next time.

F x

Ideas

It was perfect. My life was truly perfect. When I look back, I could see that we were a family that if I wasn't already a part of, I would want to be. We were so sickeningly like those families on TV where we all got a long no matter what happened and everything seemed to work in our favour. There was never a moment where I hated being with them. 

However, it seems that life was within a bubble that unfortunately popped, which allowed in an overwhelming amount of grief - a feeling I wasn't familiar with. It felt like I had been thrown in to unfamiliar territory. With all that sadness there was also the realisation that nothing remains perfect forever. Its amazing how quickly you can go from feeling blissfully happy and content, to bitter and miserable.

My Dad used to say, "Life is a Lottery". I didn't give that phrase much thought until now. Some people get great things whereas others, in particularly us, get the shit. I don't know why this had to happen. Of all the families it had to happen to, why us? I go over and over why and I draw a blank whenever I try to think of anything bad we could have done. Maybe we were just too happy and some one decided that wasn't fair? I have no idea. I just know that I hate everything. I don't think I have ever properly experienced hate until now.

I ache so much for how we were, but it is not the same and it never will be. No matter how hard they try to lure me back, I will not return. They don't get quite understand that it won't work. The life they are trying to build now can't compare to how it was. It was robbed from us. Someone took it and they won't give it back. 

It kills me. In fact it has killed me so much already that I am no longer myself. I have changed everything so that I no longer resemble the old me who lived in that bubble living her life like it would be that way forever. How incredibly naive and stupid I was. 

What is the point in happiness, I now wonder, when it is so easily destroyed.