I honestly do not know how it feels to be in love or be loved (can't help but think of Moulin Rouge here - The greatest thing you'll ever learn is to be loved and be loved in return!) I thought I had once been in a loving relationship but I have since realised that was never genuine.
Obviously my family love me and I love them. The same goes for my friends. (I also love my cat but I'm fairly certain that's one sided and definitely doesn't count). But the kind of love for just one person who loves you in return unconditionally I am yet to experience. I envy anyone who has this because I'd love to know how it feels to form such a strong bond with someone else.
I wouldn't know how to get this kind of love. I've tried many many times and failed incredibly to the point where I am now no longer trying. I'm not making an effort to meet anyone because I fear I will face the same rejection and pain of simply trying to get someone to like me. I find dating so exhausting when I tend to attract the same kind of person every time - a person that just wants "fun" or "nothing serious".
I actually believe there must be something wrong with me as everyone around me finds a relationship so easily. They find someone who goes head over heels for them and treats them well....whereas I don't. I often wonder if I am too boring, too nice or maybe just trying too hard to impress someone that doesn't actually care what I say or do as long as they get a shag out of me.
Don't get me wrong. I was all for the no strings attached thing for a good year or so. But that year has been and gone and is now a distant memory of "What the hell was I thinking?" I don't want to mess about anymore, yet if I actively date again I just think I will be easily lured into another crappy relationship because I'm fed up of being alone and beating myself up for not having something with someone. I'm worried I will be quick to settle and no one should ever settle when it isn't right.
When I scroll through my Faceboook or Instagram feeds I see posts and posts of "Having the best day with the love of my life", or "Out to dinner with my love" and so on. I see massive paragraphs and photo collages whenever someone is celebrating their anniversary or their significant other's birthday. I am sickened by all these but only because I am jealous and I am willing to admit that. I'd be pretty pleased if someone made posts like that about me, or if I could about someone else despite how much I'd cringe. I hate to be the bitter, cynical one on Facebook rolling my eyes at these gushing posts. I want to experience them myself rather than posting about a great run I just did or how cute my cat is....
My problem is I don't get how to keep someone interested in me. I have a lot of friends so I must be likeable....but forming a relationship is a mystery to me. I try my hardest to switch off this constant need to find someone but I fail. Every day I fail because every day I think about it. I wonder when or if it will ever happen for me. I'm a hopeless romantic at heart and love to think the right person will just stumble in to my life one day when I least expect it. Unfortunately that sort of thing only happens in books or films and not in real life.
I don't want to resort to being single. I don't want to believe that this is it and I will never experience true love. When I look around me day to day and see couples holding hands as they walk around the shops, having dinner together or just simply laughing together I ache for that. Especially at this time of year in the lead up to Christmas.
I'm sick of being the lemon amongst my friends, the one that tags along with other couples. I'm fed up of hearing "you're young - someone will come along eventually!" It's been too long now and as more and more of my friends settle down with someone I just seem to become more and more lonely and lost.
I have no idea what else I can do to make myself loveable. I'm aware I don't have much going for me. I'm not super rich or successful but I am nice. I am caring and I do my best to help others whenever I can. I enjoy a good laugh. I keep fit and healthy. I can carry a good conversation with someone....yet it's never enough.
I'm kinda loosing faith here and it sucks.
Sorry for a bad post.
Until next time...
F x
Sunday 22 November 2015
Monday 16 November 2015
Time to say goodbye...
This week two of my very special friends will be moving to San Francisco. I still can't quite believe they are going and I keep hoping it's some big joke but as the day of their leaving gets closer I think it's fairly clear it isn't. So, in classic sentimental Fran fashion I am dedicating this post to Stu and Cheryl (maybe more so Cheryl as I know Stu will mock me for this!!)
I'm going to start by saying that Cheryl, you did an awful lot for me during a low point in my life. I dread to think how many texts and how many calls there were where I was going on and on about how my life was a mess and I didn't know what to. You always knew what to say. You remained strong, supportive and even though you were going through your own stresses and struggles, you still made time for me. I don't think I have ever told you how thankful I am for what you did for me back then. I was a wreck, yet your words managed to calm me down and force me to think rationally. I will always be grateful for your friendship during that time.
Both you and Stu have always made me laugh. I have some fantastic memories of you guys, which seem to mainly involve food! Cheryl that Thanksgiving dinner is one of the best meals I have ever eaten and Stu - your Spiced Apple is immense. I enjoyed all the times we ate at Teapod, Byron, Wahaca and at The Mayflower where we once got drenched by the Thames - that was pretty special!
But not all my memories of you involve food. The epic Spider incident of 2012 during your visit to Australia when I was out there will never be forgotten. I can still remember Stu flinching when he opened the rubbish chute because he was so on edge after getting rid of the eight legged beast. I also remember all the times I'd come to your flat, insisting I go on the bouncy floor or up on to the roof at night. In fact I believe it was on the roof where I came out with the "Saved up for a blow job" line which to this day still makes me cringe!
There were all those times we played Rock Band as well - I think it was Cheryl who did a hilarious rendition of Poker Face Cartman style. And of course there were the hours we wasted listening to bad music - Andew W.K. Party Hard in particular. I know you really don't like that song Cheryl but unfortunately I will always associate it with you and Stu! (Whilst on the subject of that song I just want you to know that from now on I will make sure I always punch my trainers once I have laced them up...)
I am really going to miss you both. I'm going to miss Stu's odd sense of humour and his banter. I'm going to miss meeting up with Cheryl for sushi, noodles and a girly gossip. I'm going to miss your lovely flat and just hanging out watching films. You are a wonderful couple and I truly wish you all the best with your big move. It's going to be an incredible and exciting new chapter in your lives and I cannot wait to visit you both and eat some delicious food :)
Thank you for being such awesome friends.
Love Flan x
I'm going to start by saying that Cheryl, you did an awful lot for me during a low point in my life. I dread to think how many texts and how many calls there were where I was going on and on about how my life was a mess and I didn't know what to. You always knew what to say. You remained strong, supportive and even though you were going through your own stresses and struggles, you still made time for me. I don't think I have ever told you how thankful I am for what you did for me back then. I was a wreck, yet your words managed to calm me down and force me to think rationally. I will always be grateful for your friendship during that time.
Both you and Stu have always made me laugh. I have some fantastic memories of you guys, which seem to mainly involve food! Cheryl that Thanksgiving dinner is one of the best meals I have ever eaten and Stu - your Spiced Apple is immense. I enjoyed all the times we ate at Teapod, Byron, Wahaca and at The Mayflower where we once got drenched by the Thames - that was pretty special!
But not all my memories of you involve food. The epic Spider incident of 2012 during your visit to Australia when I was out there will never be forgotten. I can still remember Stu flinching when he opened the rubbish chute because he was so on edge after getting rid of the eight legged beast. I also remember all the times I'd come to your flat, insisting I go on the bouncy floor or up on to the roof at night. In fact I believe it was on the roof where I came out with the "Saved up for a blow job" line which to this day still makes me cringe!
There were all those times we played Rock Band as well - I think it was Cheryl who did a hilarious rendition of Poker Face Cartman style. And of course there were the hours we wasted listening to bad music - Andew W.K. Party Hard in particular. I know you really don't like that song Cheryl but unfortunately I will always associate it with you and Stu! (Whilst on the subject of that song I just want you to know that from now on I will make sure I always punch my trainers once I have laced them up...)
I am really going to miss you both. I'm going to miss Stu's odd sense of humour and his banter. I'm going to miss meeting up with Cheryl for sushi, noodles and a girly gossip. I'm going to miss your lovely flat and just hanging out watching films. You are a wonderful couple and I truly wish you all the best with your big move. It's going to be an incredible and exciting new chapter in your lives and I cannot wait to visit you both and eat some delicious food :)
Thank you for being such awesome friends.
Love Flan x
Monday 9 November 2015
Little girl lost
Over two and a half years ago my life was a complete mess. I had never felt as lost as I did back then when I had returned home from travelling and broken up with my ex. I returned to my parents with nothing - no job, no money and no idea of which direction to take. I cannot begin to fully describe how distraught and depressed I was. I barely slept or ate and I honestly do not know how I got from one day to the next. Just walking 10 minutes into town was a struggle but I had to leave the house so I didn't sit there going over and over the mess I was in. The most overwhelming realisation at that time was that I didn't know who I was.
The process of rebuilding myself has been long and difficult with several setbacks. There have been so many pieces to put back together. After I started medication for my depression, I enjoyed the instant happiness a little too much. I behaved terribly and ran in to situations with no consideration for the consequences. At the time I believed it was what I wanted to do, that I was a person who didn't give a shit but the more I behaved recklessly, the less I wasn't working on healing myself properly. I shunned counselling and naively thought I no longer needed my pills so I stopped taking them. In doing so I completely broke down all over again. Not as much as I had the first time round, but I was looking at my life with an extreme amount of negativity and panic. My mind went round and round in circles and I couldn't calm myself no matter how hard I tried.
I ended up back in a dark place and closed myself off, refusing to take advice from anyone. I was jealous of everyone and certain nothing would ever be right for me. I cried and looked to my future with an incredibly bleak outlook. I wanted to shut down. I was done but didn't know how to get out of it. I felt so alienated from all my friends who were doing so well and I simply ached to be like any one of them.
Somehow I started to focus on productive ways to heal myself. I went to therapy, took medication (again!) and listened to my friends. I started eating properly rather than trying to eat the bare minimum. I then started to look for a new job in another city because despite how terrified I was to leave my comfort zone, I knew I had to make a significant change before it was too late.
Eventually I did succeed and moved to Nottingham almost 6 months ago. So far I have been fairly stable and content, which is good considering I am no longer on medication. I think in some ways I am becoming more me, yet I am very far behind others. In amongst all my friends I don't feel successful and I constantly think I need to do more to have a better life. I always think I have failed but others say otherwise.
Though I have managed to come a long way since my dark times I am yet to shift the occasional feeling of isolation. I am not a part of anything. Even when my friends say they love me and that I am doing fine, I can't quite believe them. I continue to believe I have messed up and that I won't ever reach that point of belonging and contentment.
I am still not quite myself. I am still searching for everything that I lost all those years ago. At least for now though I am keeping my head above the surface instead of drowning in my destructive thoughts.
It takes a lot of time, patience and effort to deal with an unsettled mind but I try. I do try.
F x
The process of rebuilding myself has been long and difficult with several setbacks. There have been so many pieces to put back together. After I started medication for my depression, I enjoyed the instant happiness a little too much. I behaved terribly and ran in to situations with no consideration for the consequences. At the time I believed it was what I wanted to do, that I was a person who didn't give a shit but the more I behaved recklessly, the less I wasn't working on healing myself properly. I shunned counselling and naively thought I no longer needed my pills so I stopped taking them. In doing so I completely broke down all over again. Not as much as I had the first time round, but I was looking at my life with an extreme amount of negativity and panic. My mind went round and round in circles and I couldn't calm myself no matter how hard I tried.
I ended up back in a dark place and closed myself off, refusing to take advice from anyone. I was jealous of everyone and certain nothing would ever be right for me. I cried and looked to my future with an incredibly bleak outlook. I wanted to shut down. I was done but didn't know how to get out of it. I felt so alienated from all my friends who were doing so well and I simply ached to be like any one of them.
Somehow I started to focus on productive ways to heal myself. I went to therapy, took medication (again!) and listened to my friends. I started eating properly rather than trying to eat the bare minimum. I then started to look for a new job in another city because despite how terrified I was to leave my comfort zone, I knew I had to make a significant change before it was too late.
Eventually I did succeed and moved to Nottingham almost 6 months ago. So far I have been fairly stable and content, which is good considering I am no longer on medication. I think in some ways I am becoming more me, yet I am very far behind others. In amongst all my friends I don't feel successful and I constantly think I need to do more to have a better life. I always think I have failed but others say otherwise.
Though I have managed to come a long way since my dark times I am yet to shift the occasional feeling of isolation. I am not a part of anything. Even when my friends say they love me and that I am doing fine, I can't quite believe them. I continue to believe I have messed up and that I won't ever reach that point of belonging and contentment.
I am still not quite myself. I am still searching for everything that I lost all those years ago. At least for now though I am keeping my head above the surface instead of drowning in my destructive thoughts.
It takes a lot of time, patience and effort to deal with an unsettled mind but I try. I do try.
F x
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