13.1

So I did it. A week ago today I did my first ever half marathon and what an experience it was. It was intense, emotional and one of the most amazing yet toughest things I have ever done.

As I sit here now I do wonder how on earth I managed to run 13.1 miles when before I started running I was the kind of person who really couldn't be bothered with exercise. In these past two years I have completely changed my attitude. I always wondered how anyone could find any kind of enjoyment in exercise - especially running - but I definitely get it now.

The Great Birmingham Run was an event that restored my faith in humanity. The amount of support from complete strangers as I ran the course was incredibly touching. Children stood at the sides with their hands out hoping for a high five whilst people I had never met shouted my name. All the clapping and signs of encouragement were enough to choke me up every few miles. 

It wasn't just the crowds that were humbling though, it was also everyone else taking part in the challenge of running a half marathon. I saw so many people running on behalf of a charity. I even had one guy run past me shouting "Come on Twidders!" as he was also running for Dementia UK. In that very brief moment we were united before he carried on running ahead. I remember when I reached the 10 mile mark I really started to struggle but some people from Dementia UK were there to shout out words of encouragement towards me. At one point I felt like my heart could have exploded from the realisation of how nice people can actually be (or could it have been from the fact I was exhausted!) Whatever it was, I felt good.

My euphoria unfortunately dimmed between the 11 and 12 miles when my feet suddenly felt heavy and a blister was forming on the bottom of my left foot. Every step it rubbed and rubbed and it was all I could focus on. There was also some inclines that I hadn't anticipated and those really hit me hard. Annoyingly I had to walk for about a minute but after a much needed jelly baby from someone in the crowd I perked up again and forced myself to run the last 1.1 mile even if it killed me. In my head I knew it wasn't far but it seemed it. In the last 500 metres when I could see the finish line ahead of me I was running on empty. There were was an even larger crowd on both sides of the track at this point and they really helped keep me going with their cheers. When I crossed that line I had never felt so relieved to be done and I as I walked to collect that all important goodie bag it slowly sunk in what I had just done. I had just completed a half marathon. Me - the girl who once hated exercise with a passion. I couldn't believe it!

Even as I walked back to the hotel to collect my bag, wrapped in my foil and eating the food from my goodie bag, strangers walking past congratulated me. When I was at the station having lunch and a cup of tea (which I had never craved so much in my life before!) I received loads of messages from my family and friends. One of my housemates had bought me flowers and a card which were waiting outside my room for me when I returned the next day. I was so overwhelmed by all the kindness from everyone that I almost cried. 

Most importantly though I have raised over £500 for Dementia UK thanks to the generosity of all my friends and family. This has been the most touching outcome of taking part in the Great Birmingham Run - all the support has been amazing and I am so thankful to every single person who donated. Dementia UK is a charity very close to my heart. All the training and struggles of achieving my first half marathon have been worth it to raise so much money for a charity whose focus is providing Admiral Nurses who can give expert support to families living with dementia. After my Mum was diagnosed last year I have wanted to do something for her and others who suffer with the disease. I also wanted to help anyone who cares for someone with dementia, like my Dad has to now. I know dementia can't be beaten so it's important there is plenty of support available to all those affected by it.

As for me and the running I will still continue with it. I'm already looking at what I can sign up to next just so I have another challenge to focus on. It truly is addictive!

F x

Dementia

A week today I will be doing the Great Birmingham Run. There are two main reasons why I am doing this run. One is for the challenge and the other is because I am raising money for Dementia UK, a charity which means a lot to me.

Sadly my mother was diagnosed with vascular dementia last year at the age of 67. My dad and I had felt something wasn't right for a long time, as did other family members because she was forgetting things, getting easily confused and she was no longer doing the things she used to do. All the activities she thrived on doing - cooking, gardening, shopping and reading she gradually stopped doing altogether. She became disinterested and hated doing anything new. She'd snap whenever my Dad or I tried to help her or ask why she wouldn't do anything. For a while we thought it was depression and that somehow we could break her out of it but after so many discussions we never made any progress.

Eventually my Dad took her to the doctors and after many appointments and tests the diagnoses was made. It was good in a way to finally know what was wrong but at the same time it hurt. It still hurts now because no matter what you do, dementia doesn't go away or get better. At best it can remain stable for a while but unfortunately it can only get worse.

My Mum is no longer the same person she was. Dementia takes everything from the person suffering with the disease. Not only does it take their memories, but it also takes away their confidence, their happiness and their abilities. I can't deny that I hate what it has done to my Mum. I hate it with a passion and sometimes I get so angry about it when I think that of all the people in the world, my Mum doesn't deserve it. She doesn't deserve to be this anxious and terrified person who now has to depend on my Dad for everything.

Before this started my Mum was always self-assured and tough and had an incredible career where she helped a lot of people. She was a nurse, a midwife and then a health visitor. People loved her for what she did for them and it saddens me when those people approach her now to thank her for her help. It's sad because she doesn't remember them. She can't quite remember the career she had and that's shit.

When I was younger I went to her for everything because I knew she would always give me the best advice. We did a lot together - shopping, baking and watching our favourite television shows. Even though we'd fall out, we'd always make up again. I can remember all that she has done for me, but she can't.

I do get jealous of my friends who still get to spend time with their Mothers. They can go out and shop and talk. If I take my Mum somewhere she panics and wants to leave immediately. She can't stand being anywhere that isn't her home. Routine is important to people with dementia and if you change even the smallest part of that routine, it can completely disrupt their world.

There is a lot you have to understand when it comes to dementia. You really have to grow some patience and accept it will never go away. It took a long time for me to get to this point. I am not proud of all the times I have snapped at my Mum when it wasn't her fault. No matter how frustrating it can be, I know it isn't her so when I hear the same story for the 20th time I bite my tongue and pretend it's the first time I have ever heard it. When she forgets everything I tell her I don't get angry, I simply tell her again as calmly as I can. When she forgot my birthday this year I tried not to take it personally.

After my Dad retired he pretty much became my Mum's carer, another outcome of dementia that angered me. He'd spent his whole life working hard and retirement was meant to be relaxing and enjoyable, but instead it is stressful and a big strain on him. He has to experience this every single day and it kills me. It's not right for this to be happening to them when they are two of the loveliest people in the world.

On 18th October 2015 I am running for my Mum and anyone else with this cruel disease. I am also running for my Dad and all those who care for people with dementia. Though dementia has taken away so much it has taught me to appreciate life and live it as best I can.

If anyone would like to make any donations towards Dementia UK by sponsoring me then please visit https://www.justgiving.com/Frances-Twiddy/

F x

Letting go

Anyone who knows me well knows that I am a real dweller of the past. When I should be putting all my efforts in to the here and now I am wasting time thinking about what has happened over the years - everything I didn't do or did do when I shouldn't have. I wake up in the middle of night sometimes and beat myself up with regrets over how I have lived my life up until now. I am not one for letting go easily and I have reached a point where I need to take serious steps towards shutting a door on the past and no longer allowing it to take over my mind.

I know it's impossible to completely forget the past but I do know I can lessen the amount of time I spend going over and over it. It's done. It's happened. I did what I did then and I cannot change it now. I have to remind myself of that otherwise I will end up beating myself up even more so when I am much older for not letting go of all of that.

I have always been a believer of fate and that things happen for a reason and I don't think I will change that. When I look over my life positively I think certain things occurred to make me tougher, bring great people in to my life and gradually develop my sense of self. I wonder if maybe I am just a slow developer. I don't have all my shit together now but eventually I might.

I go about my days with an obsession that karma will work its magic and make my life amazing. Suddenly I will have loads of money, an amazing house and a perfect partner and I can finally believe that all the hard times paid off. It's ok to have some faith but I shouldn't assume that my life can change just like that. The universe does not owe me. Nothing can actually change until I take productive steps to bring those changes about. I get it in my head that my life is so terrible and I've been played an unfair hand. More and more I am starting to see that's a load of crap. My life is actually ok and by acknowledging the good - whether small or big - things in my life I can remind myself of that. It could always be worse.

I have said it so many times before but I cannot stress it enough - I have truly wonderful and amazing friends. When I am obsessing over my past or feeling like a failure in life, I think of them and how whenever I am with them I always have a great time. If I hold on to the fact I have many bonds with so many people then I think I will get better.

Here's to letting go and living in the now....

F x