In November I registered with eHarmony. I received several emails a day informing me I had new matches and messages from men but I couldn't see these or do anything about them until I subscribed. I knew that, yet I was hesitant to part with my money. I was hesitant to invest in something that has gone so terribly wrong in the past. Dating is just not my thing. Dating I do not get. Dating is what other people do so naturally well whereas I fail at it so incredibly. I can barely flirt and I can be so socially awkward when it comes to meeting people for the first time.
I have umed and ahed many many times as my inbox has filled with alerts from eHarmony. In my mind I'd argue with myself. I kept thinking that if I didn't subscribe I'd never meet anyone but then I'd think there was probably no point wasting my money by setting myself up for disappointment all over again. There were numerous times when I'd get home from work, go on my laptop with my card ready to pay before talking myself out of it when I'd see all the payment options.
After going back and forth like this and discussing it with a few of my friends and even my cousin at one point (who actually went all Mrs Doyle on me by saying "You will you will you will!" in response to my frequently used statement "I will never meet anyone!") I finally made the decision to subscribe.
I deem this as "Round 2". The first time I was using free dating sites and I like to think that because people are paying to use eHarmony it means they are taking dating a bit more seriously and aren't looking for an easy shag. I truly hope that is the case because if I have to go through one more experience of those stupid mind games some guys play where they keep you wondering whether they like you or not I will definitely resign myself to the crazy cat lady life. (I will also scream if someone tells me "I'm only looking for fun" again - those kind of guys I have zero time for now.
So in the words of the legend that is Taylor Swift, "I'm dying to see how this one ends".
Undoubtedly I will update this blog with how Round 2 goes.
Until next time....
F x
Tuesday 29 December 2015
Thursday 24 December 2015
The Bad Blogger
I had no idea how long it had been since I last posted on here and I am quite disappointed with myself...
The first is excuse is that I went on holiday. The second is that when I returned from holiday I was overwhelmed with work. The third and final excuse is the realisation that my Mum's dementia has sadly gotten worse since I moved away.
The resulting worry and stress of that realisation has really gotten to me over the last few weeks. Its affected my motivation, mood and even my running. I cannot help but feel desperately sad about her condition and the strain on my Dad who is now caring for her. When I dwell on this I can't help but feel bitter because it is not fair that this happening to her. She doesn't deserve it after all she has done.
With the stress has come regret; I regret not living my life better. I am working hard to go far in my career, yet I am nowhere near a success yet. I live in a house share in a house that quite frankly can be pretty rank at times. However, it was my choice to live as cheap as possible because I don't earn a lot. I am disappointed in myself. As hard as try to get somewhere, I seem to get further and further behind. I frequently stop and look at what I have achieved at the age of 28 and come to the conclusion that its not an awful lot.
I want to help my parents. As I am their only child still in England (my two older brothers live in other countries) I keep feeling responsible. I want to be able to provide financial support but I can't and I hate myself for it. All I can do is listen when my Dad needs to vent or help out with chores whenever I am home. I don't believe it is enough though. It breaks my heart that I am incredibly useless in this situation.
I remember a couple of years ago when my Dad and I started noticing that my Mum's behaviour wasn't right. I remember talking to one of my brothers about how she didn't want to do anything and that she was forgetting things. He said something along the lines of, "Our brain's get lazy if we don't stimulate them enough as we get older. Perhaps if she had grandchildren around, she'd have them to keep her busy." It wasn't a dig at me but sometimes I wonder if I had had kids, would she have been different? Deep down I know she wouldn't have been. Once dementia starts, it doesn't go away. It gradually and then rather suddenly, gets worse. It just makes me sad that I never provided her with grandchildren before the illness really kicked in. For maybe just a year or so she could have enjoyed being a Grandma. But instead I was messing about, wasting my time and amounting to nothing.
Hindsight is not a wonderful thing. It is a constant reminder of how much I have messed up and let my parents down over the years. I should be so much more for them and I'm not.
F x
The first is excuse is that I went on holiday. The second is that when I returned from holiday I was overwhelmed with work. The third and final excuse is the realisation that my Mum's dementia has sadly gotten worse since I moved away.
The resulting worry and stress of that realisation has really gotten to me over the last few weeks. Its affected my motivation, mood and even my running. I cannot help but feel desperately sad about her condition and the strain on my Dad who is now caring for her. When I dwell on this I can't help but feel bitter because it is not fair that this happening to her. She doesn't deserve it after all she has done.
With the stress has come regret; I regret not living my life better. I am working hard to go far in my career, yet I am nowhere near a success yet. I live in a house share in a house that quite frankly can be pretty rank at times. However, it was my choice to live as cheap as possible because I don't earn a lot. I am disappointed in myself. As hard as try to get somewhere, I seem to get further and further behind. I frequently stop and look at what I have achieved at the age of 28 and come to the conclusion that its not an awful lot.
I want to help my parents. As I am their only child still in England (my two older brothers live in other countries) I keep feeling responsible. I want to be able to provide financial support but I can't and I hate myself for it. All I can do is listen when my Dad needs to vent or help out with chores whenever I am home. I don't believe it is enough though. It breaks my heart that I am incredibly useless in this situation.
I remember a couple of years ago when my Dad and I started noticing that my Mum's behaviour wasn't right. I remember talking to one of my brothers about how she didn't want to do anything and that she was forgetting things. He said something along the lines of, "Our brain's get lazy if we don't stimulate them enough as we get older. Perhaps if she had grandchildren around, she'd have them to keep her busy." It wasn't a dig at me but sometimes I wonder if I had had kids, would she have been different? Deep down I know she wouldn't have been. Once dementia starts, it doesn't go away. It gradually and then rather suddenly, gets worse. It just makes me sad that I never provided her with grandchildren before the illness really kicked in. For maybe just a year or so she could have enjoyed being a Grandma. But instead I was messing about, wasting my time and amounting to nothing.
Hindsight is not a wonderful thing. It is a constant reminder of how much I have messed up and let my parents down over the years. I should be so much more for them and I'm not.
F x
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)