I rise and I fall

It took me a good few months to decide on a tattoo for my left thigh. I chose a phoenix because I felt it reflected my experiences with depression. I have frequently fallen down in life due to my depression or from being hurt by others but no matter what I somehow rise again. I don't believe depression will ever leave me and I don't believe I will never be hurt again, yet I know that I will find ways to cope and become stronger every time.

Each year I become a better version of myself. I am always healing and growing. More importantly I am able to pick myself up after every setback.

Eventually I will be unstoppable.

F x

Why I run

Over the weekend I did my first ever 12 miles and I am feeling pretty pleased about it.

I started running in February 2014 after deciding I had to do something to get fit. All I did then was drive to work, sit at a desk and then drive home to just sit down and watch TV. The most I did in terms of exercise would be a walk or two throughout the week. Previously I had joined gyms but I would soon get bored of going, or if my routine was disrupted I wouldn't make an effort to get it back on track. It was time I made exercise a part of my life and I opted for running.

Not once did I ever envision myself running 12 miles. Back then it wasn't my goal. My goal was to do 3 miles, which was the distance to one of the nearby villages. When I was a child I had cycled to that village so I figured I could eventually run there. In the beginning 3 miles seemed like a huge distance and being the self doubter that I am I didn't really believe I'd build up the stamina to do it. I especially believed this when I on my first run around the block I lived on I was a complete mess. I couldn't breathe, I had a stitch and I was exhausted - and that was only from trying to run maybe about 300-500 metres. The next day I literally ached all over. I could not fathom how I would ever be able to run even just 1 mile. But, deep down there was a determination to persevere.

I ran 3 times a week. I became strict on myself and made it a part of my routine. Even though it was dark and cold I'd force myself out and though I wasn't going very far I did feel good after each run. I began adding an extra 10 seconds whenever I went out, gradually building up my distance until one night I was amazed to realise I had run 1 mile. I was ecstatic. My fitness wasn't quite 100 percent, I still had nights where I'd go out and I'd have to stop several times. I really had to work on my breathing and find a comfortable pace, but that first mile was enough for me to continue.

I'd say around 3 months later I finally ran to the village nearby, achieving the 3 miles I had hoped to run when I had begun. Around the same time I signed up for Race For Life in Sheffield with my cousin and I was happily sticking to running three times a week. I actually started to look forward to the buzz I had after a good run. A friend of mine said I'd be doing 4 miles soon but I didn't believe him. Yet, one evening I hit 3 miles and still had enough energy to carry on. So I did and yup - I ran 4 miles. Something had set off inside of me, it was like a drug and I couldn't stop. Without thinking twice I signed up to do a 10k (6 miles) and that's when I knew running was a part of my life. I even asked for proper running trainers for my birthday.

Obviously it wasn't amazing every single run. I remember training for the 10k and I had times where I didn't think I could do the distance. It seemed too much. I had issues with being able to run without stopping as well. My lungs just couldn't take it and I'd become frustrated with myself for not being fit enough. I also experienced pain in my left thigh for a month or so after doing too much and had to take a break to recover. I was gutted. I became so restless during that time and I ached to get back out there despite the setbacks and my self doubt.

After rest and an incredibly agonising - but worth it - sports massage my leg recovered and I got back outside and worked on hitting 6 miles. Probably within a month or so I was able to run that distance. The day I did my 10k and got my medal I was so happy. I felt like a runner. I had toned legs for the first time ever in my life and overall I felt fit and healthy.

I thought 6 miles would be my peak. I laughed at the idea of ever even considering trying to run further than that. A half marathon was something I didn't think I could do because it was 13 miles. 13 miles!! That's insane, I thought. Yet a couple months after my 10k I was in need of a new focus and before arguing myself out of it I registered with Dementia UK for a spot in The Great Birmingham Run on 18th October 2015. I have kicked myself several times for doing this since then because it truly is a very very long way but amazingly my training is going well.

People always ask why I run. Sometimes I wonder that myself when I am getting out of bed at 6am to do it but the truth is I love it. As I have said not every single run that I have done has been enjoyable - I've had horrible stitches, leg pains, breathing difficulties and times where I just want to stop and go home. I have been hard on myself in terms of my speed but then I think I am still doing a hell of a lot more than what other people do (or don't do!) Running has given me the fitness I wanted. It has given me something to focus on, a reason to better myself and it has done wonders for my anxiety and depression. I have run in all kinds of weather. I have seen some beautiful sunrises and sunsets. I have had runs where I feel like I am unstoppable and I cannot get enough of that feeling. As the miles have gone up I have become more and more proud of myself.

Whenever I hear someone say "I could never do that - I can't run!" I instantly disagree. Anyone can run. They can if they are willing to be patient and accept that you have to build up the distance slowly. It takes time to be able to run far and I think that's why some people tend to give up so easily. They want to be able to smash out 3 miles just like that (I know I certainly did in the beginning!) But it doesn't work that way. The only way to become a runner is to take small steps and become an expert at ignoring that annoying voice that urges you not to bother. You can do it. I am proof of that and there are so many more out there who are too. Anyone that runs had to start somewhere. We can't all be good at something straight away.

Every time I achieve another mile I remember that first run around my block and how awful I had felt during it. It's hard to believe how far I have come and though it hasn't always been great, running is certainly a passion of mine. If I wasn't able to run anymore I would be devastated because I have gained so much strength and self-belief from doing it. Running truly does wonders for both my body and mind and I wouldn't be without it.

F x

Spirals and struggles

Well it's not been the best two weeks in terms of anxiety and mood. I had a complete panic last week where I was convinced I was messing up. My mind went round and round in circles and I barely slept. I had this for a couple of days. I struggled to get out of bed and face the day. I hate that I never know when it is going to strike, it always seems to happen without warning and overrides everything that I do. I can't focus on anything but negative thoughts and as hard as I try, I can't ignore them.

During these times I know it is best to open up but it's hard when I also feel that I am annoying people by bringing up problems they have heard a million times before. So I repress it all as much as I can, which predictably makes me even more anxious and miserable.

It's important to talk though, to voice the worries in your mind no matter how stupid you think it seems. Luckily I have a few close friends who I can go to any time and without hesitation they ease the burden of my mind. I still fear they hate me for how I can be, but if they do they hide it well. They can end the spiralling from absorbing me even further and remind me that what I am doing is a good path to be on and that life isn't meant to be simple and straight forward. It's ok to be scared and ok not to understand new things straight away. It takes time to adjust to a new life and a new job.

I took some big steps a couple of months ago and every single part of me was terrified. It was very much jumping into the deep end without knowing how to swim. Nevertheless if I hadn't taken the leap then, then I would probably be worse off now. I would be beating myself up about not getting anywhere or changing anything. Either way I was going to experience anxiety so I persevered with leaving home.

It's all about challenge and doing things that scare you. I have been told this is how you develop and progress. Even if the challenges you take don't turn out well it's better to have taken the risk than sit around wondering "What if?" Several times I think I may have made a mistake but I think that comes from missing the simplicity of my old life. In my panic last week I contemplated going back but I knew deep down that wouldn't solve anything. It's better to keep going and find ways to handle my issues because I want to be stronger and better as a person.

There have been more good days than bad since I left so I like to think that means I am doing the right thing. For me it's always easy to overlook my achievements and dwell on my mistakes. That's when my amazing friends step in to remind me and pick me back up again.

In one way or another everyone struggles and no one has a completely perfect life. I need to remind myself of this more often and believe that I am not a rubbish person. I'm just trying to live my life as best I can. For once I am following my own heart rather than someone else's.

F x