New addition

"Because wherever you go, there will always be beauty"

A while ago I had "Je suis seule" tattooed on my arm, which is french for "I am alone". As I have gotten better, I have wanted to cover the statement with something much more positive. Though I still feel alone, I know I am not really. I have a lot of kind, caring and amazing people in my life who I can count on.

I have found as I go through life I meet more and more wonderful people. This tattoo represents that and that no matter what happens, no matter how dark my days can be - there is always someone there.

F x

Meant to be?

Sometimes even when all the signs are there, it doesn't mean that it is meant to be - this is something I have learnt recently.

As a person who tends to put faith in the universe to provide signals to lead me in the right direction, this has thrown me. I have gone over it so many times; seeing all the similarities and things in common but there has been no attraction. And I do not believe you can ever force attraction.

I can't get past this problem. I swear there is something wrong with my mind, something wrong with me, to not feel anything. I'm angry at myself and a little pissed that the signs, though so painfully obvious, have failed me big time.

Universe, what are you doing to me?!

F x

Ding ding....round 2

In November I registered with eHarmony. I received several emails a day informing me I had new matches and messages from men but I couldn't see these or do anything about them until I subscribed. I knew that, yet I was hesitant to part with my money. I was hesitant to invest in something that has gone so terribly wrong in the past. Dating is just not my thing. Dating I do not get. Dating is what other people do so naturally well whereas I fail at it so incredibly. I can barely flirt and I can be so socially awkward when it comes to meeting people for the first time.

I have umed and ahed many many times as my inbox has filled with alerts from eHarmony. In my mind I'd argue with myself. I kept thinking that if I didn't subscribe I'd never meet anyone but then I'd think there was probably no point wasting my money by setting myself up for disappointment all over again. There were numerous times when I'd get home from work, go on my laptop with my card ready to pay before talking myself out of it when I'd see all the payment options.

After going back and forth like this and discussing it with a few of my friends and even my cousin at one point (who actually went all Mrs Doyle on me by saying "You will you will you will!" in response to my frequently used statement "I will never meet anyone!") I finally made the decision to subscribe.

I deem this as "Round 2". The first time I was using free dating sites and I like to think that because people are paying to use eHarmony it means they are taking dating a bit more seriously and aren't looking for an easy shag. I truly hope that is the case because if I have to go through one more experience of those stupid mind games some guys play where they keep you wondering whether they like you or not I will definitely resign myself to the crazy cat lady life. (I will also scream if someone tells me "I'm only looking for fun" again - those kind of guys I have zero time for now.

So in the words of the legend that is Taylor Swift, "I'm dying to see how this one ends".

Undoubtedly I will update this blog with how Round 2 goes.

Until next time....

F x

The Bad Blogger

I had no idea how long it had been since I last posted on here and I am quite disappointed with myself...

The first is excuse is that I went on holiday. The second is that when I returned from holiday I was overwhelmed with work. The third and final excuse is the realisation that my Mum's dementia has sadly gotten worse since I moved away.

The resulting worry and stress of that realisation has really gotten to me over the last few weeks. Its affected my motivation, mood and even my running. I cannot help but feel desperately sad about her condition and the strain on my Dad who is now caring for her. When I dwell on this I can't help but feel bitter because it is not fair that this happening to her. She doesn't deserve it after all she has done.

With the stress has come regret; I regret not living my life better. I am working hard to go far in my career, yet I am nowhere near a success yet. I live in a house share in a house that quite frankly can be pretty rank at times. However, it was my choice to live as cheap as possible because I don't earn a lot. I am disappointed in myself. As hard as try to get somewhere, I seem to get further and further behind. I frequently stop and look at what I have achieved at the age of 28 and come to the conclusion that its not an awful lot.

I want to help my parents. As I am their only child still in England (my two older brothers live in other countries) I keep feeling responsible. I want to be able to provide financial support but I can't and I hate myself for it. All I can do is listen when my Dad needs to vent or help out with chores whenever I am home. I don't believe it is enough though. It breaks my heart that I am incredibly useless in this situation.

I remember a couple of years ago when my Dad and I started noticing that my Mum's behaviour wasn't right. I remember talking to one of my brothers about how she didn't want to do anything and that she was forgetting things. He said something along the lines of, "Our brain's get lazy if we don't stimulate them enough as we get older. Perhaps if she had grandchildren around, she'd have them to keep her busy." It wasn't a dig at me but sometimes I wonder if I had had kids, would she have been different? Deep down I know she wouldn't have been. Once dementia starts, it doesn't go away. It gradually and then rather suddenly, gets worse. It just makes me sad that I never provided her with grandchildren before the illness really kicked in. For maybe just a year or so she could have enjoyed being a Grandma. But instead I was messing about, wasting my time and amounting to nothing.

Hindsight is not a wonderful thing. It is a constant reminder of how much I have messed up and let my parents down over the years. I should be so much more for them and I'm not.

F x

Love

I honestly do not know how it feels to be in love or be loved (can't help but think of Moulin Rouge here - The greatest thing you'll ever learn is to be loved and be loved in return!) I thought I had once been in a loving relationship but I have since realised that was never genuine.

Obviously my family love me and I love them. The same goes for my friends. (I also love my cat but I'm fairly certain that's one sided and definitely doesn't count). But the kind of love for just one person who loves you in return unconditionally I am yet to experience. I envy anyone who has this because I'd love to know how it feels to form such a strong bond with someone else.

I wouldn't know how to get this kind of love. I've tried many many times and failed incredibly to the point where I am now no longer trying. I'm not making an effort to meet anyone because I fear I will face the same rejection and pain of simply trying to get someone to like me. I find dating so exhausting when I tend to attract the same kind of person every time - a person that just wants "fun" or "nothing serious".

I actually believe there must be something wrong with me as everyone around me finds a relationship so easily. They find someone who goes head over heels for them and treats them well....whereas I don't. I often wonder if I am too boring, too nice or maybe just trying too hard to impress someone that doesn't actually care what I say or do as long as they get a shag out of me.

Don't get me wrong. I was all for the no strings attached thing for a good year or so. But that year has been and gone and is now a distant memory of "What the hell was I thinking?" I don't want to mess about anymore, yet if I actively date again I just think I will be easily lured into another crappy relationship because I'm fed up of being alone and beating myself up for not having something with someone. I'm worried I will be quick to settle and no one should ever settle when it isn't right.

When I scroll through my Faceboook or Instagram feeds I see posts and posts of "Having the best day with the love of my life", or "Out to dinner with my love" and so on. I see massive paragraphs and photo collages whenever someone is celebrating their anniversary or their significant other's birthday. I am sickened by all these but only because I am jealous and I am willing to admit that. I'd be pretty pleased if someone made posts like that about me, or if I could about someone else despite how much I'd cringe. I hate to be the bitter, cynical one on Facebook rolling my eyes at these gushing posts. I want to experience them myself rather than posting about a great run I just did or how cute my cat is....

My problem is I don't get how to keep someone interested in me. I have a lot of friends so I must be likeable....but forming a relationship is a mystery to me. I try my hardest to switch off this constant need to find someone but I fail. Every day I fail because every day I think about it. I wonder when or if it will ever happen for me. I'm a hopeless romantic at heart and love to think the right person will just stumble in to my life one day when I least expect it. Unfortunately that sort of thing only happens in books or films and not in real life.

I don't want to resort to being single. I don't want to believe that this is it and I will never experience true love. When I look around me day to day and see couples holding hands as they walk around the shops, having dinner together or just simply laughing together I ache for that. Especially at this time of year in the lead up to Christmas.

I'm sick of being the lemon amongst my friends, the one that tags along with other couples. I'm fed up of hearing "you're young - someone will come along eventually!" It's been too long now and as more and more of my friends settle down with someone I just seem to become more and more lonely and lost.

I have no idea what else I can do to make myself loveable. I'm aware I don't have much going for me. I'm not super rich or successful but I am nice. I am caring and I do my best to help others whenever I can. I enjoy a good laugh. I keep fit and healthy. I can carry a good conversation with someone....yet it's never enough.

I'm kinda loosing faith here and it sucks.

Sorry for a bad post.

Until next time...

F x

Time to say goodbye...

This week two of my very special friends will be moving to San Francisco. I still can't quite believe they are going and I keep hoping it's some big joke but as the day of their leaving gets closer I think it's fairly clear it isn't. So, in classic sentimental Fran fashion I am dedicating this post to Stu and Cheryl (maybe more so Cheryl as I know Stu will mock me for this!!)

I'm going to start by saying that Cheryl, you did an awful lot for me during a low point in my life. I dread to think how many texts and how many calls there were where I was going on and on about how my life was a mess and I didn't know what to. You always knew what to say. You remained strong, supportive and even though you were going through your own stresses and struggles, you still made time for me. I don't think I have ever told you how thankful I am for what you did for me back then. I was a wreck, yet your words managed to calm me down and force me to think rationally. I will always be grateful for your friendship during that time.

Both you and Stu have always made me laugh. I have some fantastic memories of you guys, which seem to mainly involve food! Cheryl that Thanksgiving dinner is one of the best meals I have ever eaten and Stu - your Spiced Apple is immense. I enjoyed all the times we ate at Teapod, Byron, Wahaca and at The Mayflower where we once got drenched by the Thames - that was pretty special!

But not all my memories of you involve food. The epic Spider incident of 2012 during your visit to Australia when I was out there will never be forgotten. I can still remember Stu flinching when he opened the rubbish chute because he was so on edge after getting rid of the eight legged beast. I also remember all the times I'd come to your flat, insisting I go on the bouncy floor or up on to the roof at night. In fact I believe it was on the roof where I came out with the "Saved up for a blow job" line which to this day still makes me cringe!

There were all those times we played Rock Band as well - I think it was Cheryl who did a hilarious rendition of Poker Face Cartman style. And of course there were the hours we wasted listening to bad music - Andew W.K. Party Hard in particular. I know you really don't like that song Cheryl but unfortunately I will always associate it with you and Stu! (Whilst on the subject of that song I just want you to know that from now on I will make sure I always punch my trainers once I have laced them up...)

I am really going to miss you both. I'm going to miss Stu's odd sense of humour and his banter. I'm going to miss meeting up with Cheryl for sushi, noodles and a girly gossip. I'm going to miss your lovely flat and just hanging out watching films. You are a wonderful couple and I truly wish you all the best with your big move. It's going to be an incredible and exciting new chapter in your lives and I cannot wait to visit you both and eat some delicious food :)

Thank you for being such awesome friends.

Love Flan x

Little girl lost

Over two and a half years ago my life was a complete mess. I had never felt as lost as I did back then when I had returned home from travelling and broken up with my ex. I returned to my parents with nothing - no job, no money and no idea of which direction to take. I cannot begin to fully describe how distraught and depressed I was. I barely slept or ate and I honestly do not know how I got from one day to the next. Just walking 10 minutes into town was a struggle but I had to leave the house so I didn't sit there going over and over the mess I was in. The most overwhelming realisation at that time was that I didn't know who I was.

The process of rebuilding myself has been long and difficult with several setbacks. There have been so many pieces to put back together. After I started medication for my depression, I enjoyed the instant happiness a little too much. I behaved terribly and ran in to situations with no consideration for the consequences. At the time I believed it was what I wanted to do, that I was a person who didn't give a shit but the more I behaved recklessly, the less I wasn't working on healing myself properly. I shunned counselling and naively thought I no longer needed my pills so I stopped taking them. In doing so I completely broke down all over again. Not as much as I had the first time round, but I was looking at my life with an extreme amount of negativity and panic. My mind went round and round in circles and I couldn't calm myself no matter how hard I tried.

I ended up back in a dark place and closed myself off, refusing to take advice from anyone. I was jealous of everyone and certain nothing would ever be right for me. I cried and looked to my future with an incredibly bleak outlook. I wanted to shut down. I was done but didn't know how to get out of it. I felt so alienated from all my friends who were doing so well and I simply ached to be like any one of them.

Somehow I started to focus on productive ways to heal myself. I went to therapy, took medication (again!) and listened to my friends. I started eating properly rather than trying to eat the bare minimum. I then started to look for a new job in another city because despite how terrified I was to leave my comfort zone, I knew I had to make a significant change before it was too late.

Eventually I did succeed and moved to Nottingham almost 6 months ago. So far I have been fairly stable and content, which is good considering I am no longer on medication. I think in some ways I am becoming more me, yet I am very far behind others. In amongst all my friends I don't feel successful and I constantly think I need to do more to have a better life. I always think I have failed but others say otherwise.

Though I have managed to come a long way since my dark times I am yet to shift the occasional feeling of isolation. I am not a part of anything. Even when my friends say they love me and that I am doing fine, I can't quite believe them. I continue to believe I have messed up and that I won't ever reach that point of belonging and contentment.

I am still not quite myself. I am still searching for everything that I lost all those years ago. At least for now though I am keeping my head above the surface instead of drowning in my destructive thoughts.

It takes a lot of time, patience and effort to deal with an unsettled mind but I try. I do try.

F x