Over two and a half years ago my life was a complete mess. I had never felt as lost as I did back then when I had returned home from travelling and broken up with my ex. I returned to my parents with nothing - no job, no money and no idea of which direction to take. I cannot begin to fully describe how distraught and depressed I was. I barely slept or ate and I honestly do not know how I got from one day to the next. Just walking 10 minutes into town was a struggle but I had to leave the house so I didn't sit there going over and over the mess I was in. The most overwhelming realisation at that time was that I didn't know who I was.
The process of rebuilding myself has been long and difficult with several setbacks. There have been so many pieces to put back together. After I started medication for my depression, I enjoyed the instant happiness a little too much. I behaved terribly and ran in to situations with no consideration for the consequences. At the time I believed it was what I wanted to do, that I was a person who didn't give a shit but the more I behaved recklessly, the less I wasn't working on healing myself properly. I shunned counselling and naively thought I no longer needed my pills so I stopped taking them. In doing so I completely broke down all over again. Not as much as I had the first time round, but I was looking at my life with an extreme amount of negativity and panic. My mind went round and round in circles and I couldn't calm myself no matter how hard I tried.
I ended up back in a dark place and closed myself off, refusing to take advice from anyone. I was jealous of everyone and certain nothing would ever be right for me. I cried and looked to my future with an incredibly bleak outlook. I wanted to shut down. I was done but didn't know how to get out of it. I felt so alienated from all my friends who were doing so well and I simply ached to be like any one of them.
Somehow I started to focus on productive ways to heal myself. I went to therapy, took medication (again!) and listened to my friends. I started eating properly rather than trying to eat the bare minimum. I then started to look for a new job in another city because despite how terrified I was to leave my comfort zone, I knew I had to make a significant change before it was too late.
Eventually I did succeed and moved to Nottingham almost 6 months ago. So far I have been fairly stable and content, which is good considering I am no longer on medication. I think in some ways I am becoming more me, yet I am very far behind others. In amongst all my friends I don't feel successful and I constantly think I need to do more to have a better life. I always think I have failed but others say otherwise.
Though I have managed to come a long way since my dark times I am yet to shift the occasional feeling of isolation. I am not a part of anything. Even when my friends say they love me and that I am doing fine, I can't quite believe them. I continue to believe I have messed up and that I won't ever reach that point of belonging and contentment.
I am still not quite myself. I am still searching for everything that I lost all those years ago. At least for now though I am keeping my head above the surface instead of drowning in my destructive thoughts.
It takes a lot of time, patience and effort to deal with an unsettled mind but I try. I do try.
F x
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