Love

I honestly do not know how it feels to be in love or be loved (can't help but think of Moulin Rouge here - The greatest thing you'll ever learn is to be loved and be loved in return!) I thought I had once been in a loving relationship but I have since realised that was never genuine.

Obviously my family love me and I love them. The same goes for my friends. (I also love my cat but I'm fairly certain that's one sided and definitely doesn't count). But the kind of love for just one person who loves you in return unconditionally I am yet to experience. I envy anyone who has this because I'd love to know how it feels to form such a strong bond with someone else.

I wouldn't know how to get this kind of love. I've tried many many times and failed incredibly to the point where I am now no longer trying. I'm not making an effort to meet anyone because I fear I will face the same rejection and pain of simply trying to get someone to like me. I find dating so exhausting when I tend to attract the same kind of person every time - a person that just wants "fun" or "nothing serious".

I actually believe there must be something wrong with me as everyone around me finds a relationship so easily. They find someone who goes head over heels for them and treats them well....whereas I don't. I often wonder if I am too boring, too nice or maybe just trying too hard to impress someone that doesn't actually care what I say or do as long as they get a shag out of me.

Don't get me wrong. I was all for the no strings attached thing for a good year or so. But that year has been and gone and is now a distant memory of "What the hell was I thinking?" I don't want to mess about anymore, yet if I actively date again I just think I will be easily lured into another crappy relationship because I'm fed up of being alone and beating myself up for not having something with someone. I'm worried I will be quick to settle and no one should ever settle when it isn't right.

When I scroll through my Faceboook or Instagram feeds I see posts and posts of "Having the best day with the love of my life", or "Out to dinner with my love" and so on. I see massive paragraphs and photo collages whenever someone is celebrating their anniversary or their significant other's birthday. I am sickened by all these but only because I am jealous and I am willing to admit that. I'd be pretty pleased if someone made posts like that about me, or if I could about someone else despite how much I'd cringe. I hate to be the bitter, cynical one on Facebook rolling my eyes at these gushing posts. I want to experience them myself rather than posting about a great run I just did or how cute my cat is....

My problem is I don't get how to keep someone interested in me. I have a lot of friends so I must be likeable....but forming a relationship is a mystery to me. I try my hardest to switch off this constant need to find someone but I fail. Every day I fail because every day I think about it. I wonder when or if it will ever happen for me. I'm a hopeless romantic at heart and love to think the right person will just stumble in to my life one day when I least expect it. Unfortunately that sort of thing only happens in books or films and not in real life.

I don't want to resort to being single. I don't want to believe that this is it and I will never experience true love. When I look around me day to day and see couples holding hands as they walk around the shops, having dinner together or just simply laughing together I ache for that. Especially at this time of year in the lead up to Christmas.

I'm sick of being the lemon amongst my friends, the one that tags along with other couples. I'm fed up of hearing "you're young - someone will come along eventually!" It's been too long now and as more and more of my friends settle down with someone I just seem to become more and more lonely and lost.

I have no idea what else I can do to make myself loveable. I'm aware I don't have much going for me. I'm not super rich or successful but I am nice. I am caring and I do my best to help others whenever I can. I enjoy a good laugh. I keep fit and healthy. I can carry a good conversation with someone....yet it's never enough.

I'm kinda loosing faith here and it sucks.

Sorry for a bad post.

Until next time...

F x