The Bad Blogger

I had no idea how long it had been since I last posted on here and I am quite disappointed with myself...

The first is excuse is that I went on holiday. The second is that when I returned from holiday I was overwhelmed with work. The third and final excuse is the realisation that my Mum's dementia has sadly gotten worse since I moved away.

The resulting worry and stress of that realisation has really gotten to me over the last few weeks. Its affected my motivation, mood and even my running. I cannot help but feel desperately sad about her condition and the strain on my Dad who is now caring for her. When I dwell on this I can't help but feel bitter because it is not fair that this happening to her. She doesn't deserve it after all she has done.

With the stress has come regret; I regret not living my life better. I am working hard to go far in my career, yet I am nowhere near a success yet. I live in a house share in a house that quite frankly can be pretty rank at times. However, it was my choice to live as cheap as possible because I don't earn a lot. I am disappointed in myself. As hard as try to get somewhere, I seem to get further and further behind. I frequently stop and look at what I have achieved at the age of 28 and come to the conclusion that its not an awful lot.

I want to help my parents. As I am their only child still in England (my two older brothers live in other countries) I keep feeling responsible. I want to be able to provide financial support but I can't and I hate myself for it. All I can do is listen when my Dad needs to vent or help out with chores whenever I am home. I don't believe it is enough though. It breaks my heart that I am incredibly useless in this situation.

I remember a couple of years ago when my Dad and I started noticing that my Mum's behaviour wasn't right. I remember talking to one of my brothers about how she didn't want to do anything and that she was forgetting things. He said something along the lines of, "Our brain's get lazy if we don't stimulate them enough as we get older. Perhaps if she had grandchildren around, she'd have them to keep her busy." It wasn't a dig at me but sometimes I wonder if I had had kids, would she have been different? Deep down I know she wouldn't have been. Once dementia starts, it doesn't go away. It gradually and then rather suddenly, gets worse. It just makes me sad that I never provided her with grandchildren before the illness really kicked in. For maybe just a year or so she could have enjoyed being a Grandma. But instead I was messing about, wasting my time and amounting to nothing.

Hindsight is not a wonderful thing. It is a constant reminder of how much I have messed up and let my parents down over the years. I should be so much more for them and I'm not.

F x

Love

I honestly do not know how it feels to be in love or be loved (can't help but think of Moulin Rouge here - The greatest thing you'll ever learn is to be loved and be loved in return!) I thought I had once been in a loving relationship but I have since realised that was never genuine.

Obviously my family love me and I love them. The same goes for my friends. (I also love my cat but I'm fairly certain that's one sided and definitely doesn't count). But the kind of love for just one person who loves you in return unconditionally I am yet to experience. I envy anyone who has this because I'd love to know how it feels to form such a strong bond with someone else.

I wouldn't know how to get this kind of love. I've tried many many times and failed incredibly to the point where I am now no longer trying. I'm not making an effort to meet anyone because I fear I will face the same rejection and pain of simply trying to get someone to like me. I find dating so exhausting when I tend to attract the same kind of person every time - a person that just wants "fun" or "nothing serious".

I actually believe there must be something wrong with me as everyone around me finds a relationship so easily. They find someone who goes head over heels for them and treats them well....whereas I don't. I often wonder if I am too boring, too nice or maybe just trying too hard to impress someone that doesn't actually care what I say or do as long as they get a shag out of me.

Don't get me wrong. I was all for the no strings attached thing for a good year or so. But that year has been and gone and is now a distant memory of "What the hell was I thinking?" I don't want to mess about anymore, yet if I actively date again I just think I will be easily lured into another crappy relationship because I'm fed up of being alone and beating myself up for not having something with someone. I'm worried I will be quick to settle and no one should ever settle when it isn't right.

When I scroll through my Faceboook or Instagram feeds I see posts and posts of "Having the best day with the love of my life", or "Out to dinner with my love" and so on. I see massive paragraphs and photo collages whenever someone is celebrating their anniversary or their significant other's birthday. I am sickened by all these but only because I am jealous and I am willing to admit that. I'd be pretty pleased if someone made posts like that about me, or if I could about someone else despite how much I'd cringe. I hate to be the bitter, cynical one on Facebook rolling my eyes at these gushing posts. I want to experience them myself rather than posting about a great run I just did or how cute my cat is....

My problem is I don't get how to keep someone interested in me. I have a lot of friends so I must be likeable....but forming a relationship is a mystery to me. I try my hardest to switch off this constant need to find someone but I fail. Every day I fail because every day I think about it. I wonder when or if it will ever happen for me. I'm a hopeless romantic at heart and love to think the right person will just stumble in to my life one day when I least expect it. Unfortunately that sort of thing only happens in books or films and not in real life.

I don't want to resort to being single. I don't want to believe that this is it and I will never experience true love. When I look around me day to day and see couples holding hands as they walk around the shops, having dinner together or just simply laughing together I ache for that. Especially at this time of year in the lead up to Christmas.

I'm sick of being the lemon amongst my friends, the one that tags along with other couples. I'm fed up of hearing "you're young - someone will come along eventually!" It's been too long now and as more and more of my friends settle down with someone I just seem to become more and more lonely and lost.

I have no idea what else I can do to make myself loveable. I'm aware I don't have much going for me. I'm not super rich or successful but I am nice. I am caring and I do my best to help others whenever I can. I enjoy a good laugh. I keep fit and healthy. I can carry a good conversation with someone....yet it's never enough.

I'm kinda loosing faith here and it sucks.

Sorry for a bad post.

Until next time...

F x

Time to say goodbye...

This week two of my very special friends will be moving to San Francisco. I still can't quite believe they are going and I keep hoping it's some big joke but as the day of their leaving gets closer I think it's fairly clear it isn't. So, in classic sentimental Fran fashion I am dedicating this post to Stu and Cheryl (maybe more so Cheryl as I know Stu will mock me for this!!)

I'm going to start by saying that Cheryl, you did an awful lot for me during a low point in my life. I dread to think how many texts and how many calls there were where I was going on and on about how my life was a mess and I didn't know what to. You always knew what to say. You remained strong, supportive and even though you were going through your own stresses and struggles, you still made time for me. I don't think I have ever told you how thankful I am for what you did for me back then. I was a wreck, yet your words managed to calm me down and force me to think rationally. I will always be grateful for your friendship during that time.

Both you and Stu have always made me laugh. I have some fantastic memories of you guys, which seem to mainly involve food! Cheryl that Thanksgiving dinner is one of the best meals I have ever eaten and Stu - your Spiced Apple is immense. I enjoyed all the times we ate at Teapod, Byron, Wahaca and at The Mayflower where we once got drenched by the Thames - that was pretty special!

But not all my memories of you involve food. The epic Spider incident of 2012 during your visit to Australia when I was out there will never be forgotten. I can still remember Stu flinching when he opened the rubbish chute because he was so on edge after getting rid of the eight legged beast. I also remember all the times I'd come to your flat, insisting I go on the bouncy floor or up on to the roof at night. In fact I believe it was on the roof where I came out with the "Saved up for a blow job" line which to this day still makes me cringe!

There were all those times we played Rock Band as well - I think it was Cheryl who did a hilarious rendition of Poker Face Cartman style. And of course there were the hours we wasted listening to bad music - Andew W.K. Party Hard in particular. I know you really don't like that song Cheryl but unfortunately I will always associate it with you and Stu! (Whilst on the subject of that song I just want you to know that from now on I will make sure I always punch my trainers once I have laced them up...)

I am really going to miss you both. I'm going to miss Stu's odd sense of humour and his banter. I'm going to miss meeting up with Cheryl for sushi, noodles and a girly gossip. I'm going to miss your lovely flat and just hanging out watching films. You are a wonderful couple and I truly wish you all the best with your big move. It's going to be an incredible and exciting new chapter in your lives and I cannot wait to visit you both and eat some delicious food :)

Thank you for being such awesome friends.

Love Flan x

Little girl lost

Over two and a half years ago my life was a complete mess. I had never felt as lost as I did back then when I had returned home from travelling and broken up with my ex. I returned to my parents with nothing - no job, no money and no idea of which direction to take. I cannot begin to fully describe how distraught and depressed I was. I barely slept or ate and I honestly do not know how I got from one day to the next. Just walking 10 minutes into town was a struggle but I had to leave the house so I didn't sit there going over and over the mess I was in. The most overwhelming realisation at that time was that I didn't know who I was.

The process of rebuilding myself has been long and difficult with several setbacks. There have been so many pieces to put back together. After I started medication for my depression, I enjoyed the instant happiness a little too much. I behaved terribly and ran in to situations with no consideration for the consequences. At the time I believed it was what I wanted to do, that I was a person who didn't give a shit but the more I behaved recklessly, the less I wasn't working on healing myself properly. I shunned counselling and naively thought I no longer needed my pills so I stopped taking them. In doing so I completely broke down all over again. Not as much as I had the first time round, but I was looking at my life with an extreme amount of negativity and panic. My mind went round and round in circles and I couldn't calm myself no matter how hard I tried.

I ended up back in a dark place and closed myself off, refusing to take advice from anyone. I was jealous of everyone and certain nothing would ever be right for me. I cried and looked to my future with an incredibly bleak outlook. I wanted to shut down. I was done but didn't know how to get out of it. I felt so alienated from all my friends who were doing so well and I simply ached to be like any one of them.

Somehow I started to focus on productive ways to heal myself. I went to therapy, took medication (again!) and listened to my friends. I started eating properly rather than trying to eat the bare minimum. I then started to look for a new job in another city because despite how terrified I was to leave my comfort zone, I knew I had to make a significant change before it was too late.

Eventually I did succeed and moved to Nottingham almost 6 months ago. So far I have been fairly stable and content, which is good considering I am no longer on medication. I think in some ways I am becoming more me, yet I am very far behind others. In amongst all my friends I don't feel successful and I constantly think I need to do more to have a better life. I always think I have failed but others say otherwise.

Though I have managed to come a long way since my dark times I am yet to shift the occasional feeling of isolation. I am not a part of anything. Even when my friends say they love me and that I am doing fine, I can't quite believe them. I continue to believe I have messed up and that I won't ever reach that point of belonging and contentment.

I am still not quite myself. I am still searching for everything that I lost all those years ago. At least for now though I am keeping my head above the surface instead of drowning in my destructive thoughts.

It takes a lot of time, patience and effort to deal with an unsettled mind but I try. I do try.

F x

13.1

So I did it. A week ago today I did my first ever half marathon and what an experience it was. It was intense, emotional and one of the most amazing yet toughest things I have ever done.

As I sit here now I do wonder how on earth I managed to run 13.1 miles when before I started running I was the kind of person who really couldn't be bothered with exercise. In these past two years I have completely changed my attitude. I always wondered how anyone could find any kind of enjoyment in exercise - especially running - but I definitely get it now.

The Great Birmingham Run was an event that restored my faith in humanity. The amount of support from complete strangers as I ran the course was incredibly touching. Children stood at the sides with their hands out hoping for a high five whilst people I had never met shouted my name. All the clapping and signs of encouragement were enough to choke me up every few miles. 

It wasn't just the crowds that were humbling though, it was also everyone else taking part in the challenge of running a half marathon. I saw so many people running on behalf of a charity. I even had one guy run past me shouting "Come on Twidders!" as he was also running for Dementia UK. In that very brief moment we were united before he carried on running ahead. I remember when I reached the 10 mile mark I really started to struggle but some people from Dementia UK were there to shout out words of encouragement towards me. At one point I felt like my heart could have exploded from the realisation of how nice people can actually be (or could it have been from the fact I was exhausted!) Whatever it was, I felt good.

My euphoria unfortunately dimmed between the 11 and 12 miles when my feet suddenly felt heavy and a blister was forming on the bottom of my left foot. Every step it rubbed and rubbed and it was all I could focus on. There was also some inclines that I hadn't anticipated and those really hit me hard. Annoyingly I had to walk for about a minute but after a much needed jelly baby from someone in the crowd I perked up again and forced myself to run the last 1.1 mile even if it killed me. In my head I knew it wasn't far but it seemed it. In the last 500 metres when I could see the finish line ahead of me I was running on empty. There were was an even larger crowd on both sides of the track at this point and they really helped keep me going with their cheers. When I crossed that line I had never felt so relieved to be done and I as I walked to collect that all important goodie bag it slowly sunk in what I had just done. I had just completed a half marathon. Me - the girl who once hated exercise with a passion. I couldn't believe it!

Even as I walked back to the hotel to collect my bag, wrapped in my foil and eating the food from my goodie bag, strangers walking past congratulated me. When I was at the station having lunch and a cup of tea (which I had never craved so much in my life before!) I received loads of messages from my family and friends. One of my housemates had bought me flowers and a card which were waiting outside my room for me when I returned the next day. I was so overwhelmed by all the kindness from everyone that I almost cried. 

Most importantly though I have raised over £500 for Dementia UK thanks to the generosity of all my friends and family. This has been the most touching outcome of taking part in the Great Birmingham Run - all the support has been amazing and I am so thankful to every single person who donated. Dementia UK is a charity very close to my heart. All the training and struggles of achieving my first half marathon have been worth it to raise so much money for a charity whose focus is providing Admiral Nurses who can give expert support to families living with dementia. After my Mum was diagnosed last year I have wanted to do something for her and others who suffer with the disease. I also wanted to help anyone who cares for someone with dementia, like my Dad has to now. I know dementia can't be beaten so it's important there is plenty of support available to all those affected by it.

As for me and the running I will still continue with it. I'm already looking at what I can sign up to next just so I have another challenge to focus on. It truly is addictive!

F x

Dementia

A week today I will be doing the Great Birmingham Run. There are two main reasons why I am doing this run. One is for the challenge and the other is because I am raising money for Dementia UK, a charity which means a lot to me.

Sadly my mother was diagnosed with vascular dementia last year at the age of 67. My dad and I had felt something wasn't right for a long time, as did other family members because she was forgetting things, getting easily confused and she was no longer doing the things she used to do. All the activities she thrived on doing - cooking, gardening, shopping and reading she gradually stopped doing altogether. She became disinterested and hated doing anything new. She'd snap whenever my Dad or I tried to help her or ask why she wouldn't do anything. For a while we thought it was depression and that somehow we could break her out of it but after so many discussions we never made any progress.

Eventually my Dad took her to the doctors and after many appointments and tests the diagnoses was made. It was good in a way to finally know what was wrong but at the same time it hurt. It still hurts now because no matter what you do, dementia doesn't go away or get better. At best it can remain stable for a while but unfortunately it can only get worse.

My Mum is no longer the same person she was. Dementia takes everything from the person suffering with the disease. Not only does it take their memories, but it also takes away their confidence, their happiness and their abilities. I can't deny that I hate what it has done to my Mum. I hate it with a passion and sometimes I get so angry about it when I think that of all the people in the world, my Mum doesn't deserve it. She doesn't deserve to be this anxious and terrified person who now has to depend on my Dad for everything.

Before this started my Mum was always self-assured and tough and had an incredible career where she helped a lot of people. She was a nurse, a midwife and then a health visitor. People loved her for what she did for them and it saddens me when those people approach her now to thank her for her help. It's sad because she doesn't remember them. She can't quite remember the career she had and that's shit.

When I was younger I went to her for everything because I knew she would always give me the best advice. We did a lot together - shopping, baking and watching our favourite television shows. Even though we'd fall out, we'd always make up again. I can remember all that she has done for me, but she can't.

I do get jealous of my friends who still get to spend time with their Mothers. They can go out and shop and talk. If I take my Mum somewhere she panics and wants to leave immediately. She can't stand being anywhere that isn't her home. Routine is important to people with dementia and if you change even the smallest part of that routine, it can completely disrupt their world.

There is a lot you have to understand when it comes to dementia. You really have to grow some patience and accept it will never go away. It took a long time for me to get to this point. I am not proud of all the times I have snapped at my Mum when it wasn't her fault. No matter how frustrating it can be, I know it isn't her so when I hear the same story for the 20th time I bite my tongue and pretend it's the first time I have ever heard it. When she forgets everything I tell her I don't get angry, I simply tell her again as calmly as I can. When she forgot my birthday this year I tried not to take it personally.

After my Dad retired he pretty much became my Mum's carer, another outcome of dementia that angered me. He'd spent his whole life working hard and retirement was meant to be relaxing and enjoyable, but instead it is stressful and a big strain on him. He has to experience this every single day and it kills me. It's not right for this to be happening to them when they are two of the loveliest people in the world.

On 18th October 2015 I am running for my Mum and anyone else with this cruel disease. I am also running for my Dad and all those who care for people with dementia. Though dementia has taken away so much it has taught me to appreciate life and live it as best I can.

If anyone would like to make any donations towards Dementia UK by sponsoring me then please visit https://www.justgiving.com/Frances-Twiddy/

F x

Letting go

Anyone who knows me well knows that I am a real dweller of the past. When I should be putting all my efforts in to the here and now I am wasting time thinking about what has happened over the years - everything I didn't do or did do when I shouldn't have. I wake up in the middle of night sometimes and beat myself up with regrets over how I have lived my life up until now. I am not one for letting go easily and I have reached a point where I need to take serious steps towards shutting a door on the past and no longer allowing it to take over my mind.

I know it's impossible to completely forget the past but I do know I can lessen the amount of time I spend going over and over it. It's done. It's happened. I did what I did then and I cannot change it now. I have to remind myself of that otherwise I will end up beating myself up even more so when I am much older for not letting go of all of that.

I have always been a believer of fate and that things happen for a reason and I don't think I will change that. When I look over my life positively I think certain things occurred to make me tougher, bring great people in to my life and gradually develop my sense of self. I wonder if maybe I am just a slow developer. I don't have all my shit together now but eventually I might.

I go about my days with an obsession that karma will work its magic and make my life amazing. Suddenly I will have loads of money, an amazing house and a perfect partner and I can finally believe that all the hard times paid off. It's ok to have some faith but I shouldn't assume that my life can change just like that. The universe does not owe me. Nothing can actually change until I take productive steps to bring those changes about. I get it in my head that my life is so terrible and I've been played an unfair hand. More and more I am starting to see that's a load of crap. My life is actually ok and by acknowledging the good - whether small or big - things in my life I can remind myself of that. It could always be worse.

I have said it so many times before but I cannot stress it enough - I have truly wonderful and amazing friends. When I am obsessing over my past or feeling like a failure in life, I think of them and how whenever I am with them I always have a great time. If I hold on to the fact I have many bonds with so many people then I think I will get better.

Here's to letting go and living in the now....

F x