Letting go

Anyone who knows me well knows that I am a real dweller of the past. When I should be putting all my efforts in to the here and now I am wasting time thinking about what has happened over the years - everything I didn't do or did do when I shouldn't have. I wake up in the middle of night sometimes and beat myself up with regrets over how I have lived my life up until now. I am not one for letting go easily and I have reached a point where I need to take serious steps towards shutting a door on the past and no longer allowing it to take over my mind.

I know it's impossible to completely forget the past but I do know I can lessen the amount of time I spend going over and over it. It's done. It's happened. I did what I did then and I cannot change it now. I have to remind myself of that otherwise I will end up beating myself up even more so when I am much older for not letting go of all of that.

I have always been a believer of fate and that things happen for a reason and I don't think I will change that. When I look over my life positively I think certain things occurred to make me tougher, bring great people in to my life and gradually develop my sense of self. I wonder if maybe I am just a slow developer. I don't have all my shit together now but eventually I might.

I go about my days with an obsession that karma will work its magic and make my life amazing. Suddenly I will have loads of money, an amazing house and a perfect partner and I can finally believe that all the hard times paid off. It's ok to have some faith but I shouldn't assume that my life can change just like that. The universe does not owe me. Nothing can actually change until I take productive steps to bring those changes about. I get it in my head that my life is so terrible and I've been played an unfair hand. More and more I am starting to see that's a load of crap. My life is actually ok and by acknowledging the good - whether small or big - things in my life I can remind myself of that. It could always be worse.

I have said it so many times before but I cannot stress it enough - I have truly wonderful and amazing friends. When I am obsessing over my past or feeling like a failure in life, I think of them and how whenever I am with them I always have a great time. If I hold on to the fact I have many bonds with so many people then I think I will get better.

Here's to letting go and living in the now....

F x