Sadly my mother was diagnosed with vascular dementia last year at the age of 67. My dad and I had felt something wasn't right for a long time, as did other family members because she was forgetting things, getting easily confused and she was no longer doing the things she used to do. All the activities she thrived on doing - cooking, gardening, shopping and reading she gradually stopped doing altogether. She became disinterested and hated doing anything new. She'd snap whenever my Dad or I tried to help her or ask why she wouldn't do anything. For a while we thought it was depression and that somehow we could break her out of it but after so many discussions we never made any progress.
Eventually my Dad took her to the doctors and after many appointments and tests the diagnoses was made. It was good in a way to finally know what was wrong but at the same time it hurt. It still hurts now because no matter what you do, dementia doesn't go away or get better. At best it can remain stable for a while but unfortunately it can only get worse.
My Mum is no longer the same person she was. Dementia takes everything from the person suffering with the disease. Not only does it take their memories, but it also takes away their confidence, their happiness and their abilities. I can't deny that I hate what it has done to my Mum. I hate it with a passion and sometimes I get so angry about it when I think that of all the people in the world, my Mum doesn't deserve it. She doesn't deserve to be this anxious and terrified person who now has to depend on my Dad for everything.
Before this started my Mum was always self-assured and tough and had an incredible career where she helped a lot of people. She was a nurse, a midwife and then a health visitor. People loved her for what she did for them and it saddens me when those people approach her now to thank her for her help. It's sad because she doesn't remember them. She can't quite remember the career she had and that's shit.
When I was younger I went to her for everything because I knew she would always give me the best advice. We did a lot together - shopping, baking and watching our favourite television shows. Even though we'd fall out, we'd always make up again. I can remember all that she has done for me, but she can't.
I do get jealous of my friends who still get to spend time with their Mothers. They can go out and shop and talk. If I take my Mum somewhere she panics and wants to leave immediately. She can't stand being anywhere that isn't her home. Routine is important to people with dementia and if you change even the smallest part of that routine, it can completely disrupt their world.
There is a lot you have to understand when it comes to dementia. You really have to grow some patience and accept it will never go away. It took a long time for me to get to this point. I am not proud of all the times I have snapped at my Mum when it wasn't her fault. No matter how frustrating it can be, I know it isn't her so when I hear the same story for the 20th time I bite my tongue and pretend it's the first time I have ever heard it. When she forgets everything I tell her I don't get angry, I simply tell her again as calmly as I can. When she forgot my birthday this year I tried not to take it personally.
After my Dad retired he pretty much became my Mum's carer, another outcome of dementia that angered me. He'd spent his whole life working hard and retirement was meant to be relaxing and enjoyable, but instead it is stressful and a big strain on him. He has to experience this every single day and it kills me. It's not right for this to be happening to them when they are two of the loveliest people in the world.
On 18th October 2015 I am running for my Mum and anyone else with this cruel disease. I am also running for my Dad and all those who care for people with dementia. Though dementia has taken away so much it has taught me to appreciate life and live it as best I can.
If anyone would like to make any donations towards Dementia UK by sponsoring me then please visit https://www.justgiving.com/Frances-Twiddy/
F x
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