Lone Wolf

It's hard to ever feel a part of anything when so many times people come and go, and sometimes when they go they never come back. 

There are people who can take so much from you - your hopes, your trust, your spirit, everything that you are. And then there are people who give you so much more than you'd ever expect. 

Yet for all the happiness that one person or more may give you, it's only you at the end of the day. It's your heart and mind that you are responsible for and to look towards others for your sense of worth is a pointless desire. 

Imagine if you loved yourself so much that you could go solo without any acceptance from others, that you could be such an unstoppable force in a world full of people seeking love and approval from anyone and everyone. To be like that is so rare. 

You can always be a part of a pack but you will only ever have yourself. 

Don't follow others. 

Be a lone wolf. 

Be yourself.

F x

Life

Why can't it be the dreams we have, the things we desire, the hopes we carry....

I don't think life is meant to be easy and without throwing yourself in to a challenge you can't progress. It's easy to stay, or easy to go back to old and safe ways but it won't achieve the change that you crave. Of course it's lonely, horrible and scary as hell but if you ride it out you never know what might happen next.

You can keep your dreams as long as you accept that you need to work hard to be where you want to be.

Sometimes you are ahead, sometimes you are behind....

F x

The Signs

Well. I moved out of my parent's yesterday and I am now here in a whole new place. I am mixed up and feeling all kinds of nerves, fear and excitement. I am definitely out of my comfort zone yet I know I have to try. This is the change I need to figure out who I am and what I want. Most of all it's about time I learned to look after myself without the help of others. This is a challenge for me and as much as I hate being alone and away from the people I love, I have some faith that this is the right move for me.

I like to believe in fate and things happening for a reason. There have been several signs I have noticed about this move that brings comfort to the part of me that thinks I am doing the right thing. These are the signs so far....

• I moved out on 4th July - Independence Day.
• I will be working at the University of Nottingham, a place where I found out after I got the job will also be my friend's wedding venue in October.
• My friend also studied on the same campus I will be based on.
• Before I interviewed for the job I spotted a book in the library of Chatsworth House called 'Chinese Studies' - The department I will be working for is the School of Contemporary Chinese.
• The street next to me has "Dagmar" in the name. My next door neighbour from home is called Dagmar.
• One of the girls that I share with has a running club. I intended to join a running club when I started looking to move to the area.
• In the front room of the house I live in there are  4 bottles of hot sauce. I have the exact same ones back at my parent's house.
• One of my housemates studied at Cambridge - the same University my Dad and brother went to.
• Paramore's song "Ain't it Fun" about being on your own came on as I walked about yesterday exploring my new home and feeling emotional.
• When I went for my first food shop they were giving away free cake. That can only mean good things...

It may all be nonsense and coincidence and I could be making a huge mistake....I guess I will just have to wait and see.

F x

1 week to go

My move out day is getting closer and closer. I have started packing up my things and the nerves are in full swing. I have no idea if this is a good move. 'What if's?' are constantly flowing around my head now - what if I am crap at the job, what if I get lost, what if I don't get on with anyone, what if I run out of money, what if I chose the wrong to place to live...the list goes on. I am in crazy mode and still feeling this may be all too little, too late....I want something to go right because there's been so many disappointments. I need to man up. I need to be my own person.

But I am so shit scared.

F x

Two weeks to go.

I move in two weeks time to start my new job and I am still so nervous and anxious about what is about to happen. I have spent the weekend in London catching up with friends who are all so excited for me but I can't help but envy their current positions in life. They are financially comfortable and have great careers. I am only just beginning and unsure if I will ever have a well paid job, my own house and a partner - all those things the people surrounding me have. It's sending my anxiety wild, I keep going over how much time I have wasted. What I am doing now could have been done years ago. I try to remind myself that at least I am doing it, attempting a life of my own because at the end of the day what other option do I have? I am prone to going over and over the past, kicking myself over all the stupid stuff I have done, wondering why I allowed things to get so messed up. I feel unique to other people, sometimes I'm convinced I'm not normal because I dwell on things in such an extreme way. I can never relax and assure myself I am doing ok.

I want stability and to be able to look after myself without depending on anyone else but I am so worried I won't be able to.

What the hell am I doing??

F x

Times are changing

I recently got offered a new job and everything is about to change. I will be moving in with strangers. I will be leaving home after being here for two years. I am going to be looking after myself for once and it's a whole new world to me. I go from excited, to nervous, to scared, to excited again about 50 times a day.

The first time I moved out of home was with my ex and I followed him around for 4 years before we broke up and I returned home skint, jobless and at a complete loss. It literally felt like my life was over and I had no idea where to go or what to do with myself. It's taken a good couple of years to pull myself together and feel confident enough to fly the nest once again.

It feels ridiculous to be experiencing this now at an age where I should really have all my shit together but sadly I do not and the only thing I can do is try. If I stay where I am then things will stay the same. I have to ignore all the fear and anxiety over going out in the real world alone. This is a massive step for me. Not only do I have a whole new job to learn, I have a whole new way of life to readjust to. I hope I can do it despite my natural negativity.

I have no other choice but to do this now - just bite the bullet and get on with my life.

I am going solo.

F x

The Disastorous Dating Chronicles: The older guy.

I have been in this position so many times that I should be used to it by now but it never hurts any less. Get them violins out because I am about to whinge...

For the umpteenth time I have been screwed over by a man. Sometimes you can get the impression they are a waste of time but not this guy - this one was a clever one because he'd definitely mastered the art of charm. He knew how to say all the right things and I classically and unsurprisingly fell for every single word of it.

After many disastrous dates with men I decided to go for someone older. I'd heard older men were more mature and not one for playing games. So willing to give anything a go I went for a guy 12 years older than I. I am 27, he was 39....and to be fair he looked pretty good for his age.

Of course the first warning sign there was why was he single? Shouldn't he be married with kids? I did briefly question this in the early days. He was such a nice, funny guy it seemed odd that he was looking for someone. He told me that he'd had relationships before, yet they never went to the next level. I suppose that was when I should have considered he was scared of commitment but I never did.

You see his other clever tactic was telling me how much he was sick of being single and that he wanted to share his life with someone and that I - Miss Gullible - was someone he had a good feeling about. Oh how I blushed, swooned and giggled like a fool. He told me that week 1 of our...whatever we were...thing.

When I look back now I can safely say that was a "line" and it worked. Within a few weeks we were seeing each other frequently. He even drove all the way to see me after I finished work once just to have dinner and watch a movie before driving back. I saw that as a good sign he liked me, however that turned out to be the only time he ever did that. Every other time after that I drove to see him.

Our earlier dates involved going out and doing things but within a couple of weeks we only stayed at his place and he never seemed particularly keen to take me anywhere other than his bedroom. That's when I started thinking it wasn't right.

The daily texting began fizzling out as well. I began to notice that I was texting him first rather than the other way round and his responses were few and far between - nothing like in the beginning where I would receive lengthy messages every hour or so. Deep down I knew it was a bad sign but I liked him and thought perhaps I was being paranoid.

The lack of texting continued until eventually I did not hear a peep from him for a whole week. I'd asked him outright if he was still interested, he seemed to panic and back off. By that point I was confused as hell as to what had happened. Initially it had all seemed ok but without any warning he'd gone off me. In classic "frustrated single girl" fashion I cried, went over and over what I could have done wrong until I got angry at him and myself for falling for his crap. When I calmed down I wrote him off and moved on. I was still gutted but there wasn't anything else I could do.

So there I was just getting on with shit, knowing I would never see him again. Then out of the blue he text me. It threw me. What could he possible want? I thought he didn't want anything to do with me? What the hell? Of course there was that wise and sensible voice answering all my questions at once - "He's bored and wants an easy shag". I didn't listen to that voice. Oh no, the pushover, foolish side of me ignored it and I allowed him back in and the whole bullshitting process started all over again.

However this time around his urge to impress was lacking in comparison to last time. After pestering me to see him again I was promised a home cooked roast but he ended up ordering pizza. When I was promised a meal out, we ended up on the sofa watching a film aaaaand ordering a pizza. The last time I saw him we nipped out to Tescos - lucky me! And actually bumped into his neighbours, whom he didn't introduce me to. And that was another odd thing about him. He never introduced me to his friends or even mentioned that he would. Was he ashamed of me? Was he hiding something? These questions circulated my head several times and it wasn't long before the lack of texting started all over again.

I had seen this coming even though I was hoping it wouldn't and all over again I was wondering what I had done wrong. The only assumption I could make was that he had met someone else and was distancing himself from me because he was too scared to tell me. I saw myself as just someone that had filled his time with when he was feeling randy and couldn't get it from someone else. It was a horrible realisation and I went through the rollercoaster of tears and anger for the second time.

Dating an older guy hadn't been the experience I'd anticipated. I kinda felt that he would make a lot of effort and not play the stupid blowing hot and cold games but I was wrong, which I guess means that boys will be boys no matter their age. Of course I know that not all men can be this useless, I just seem to have the unfortunate luck of attracting twats.

Let's see what happens next...

F x