13.1

So I did it. A week ago today I did my first ever half marathon and what an experience it was. It was intense, emotional and one of the most amazing yet toughest things I have ever done.

As I sit here now I do wonder how on earth I managed to run 13.1 miles when before I started running I was the kind of person who really couldn't be bothered with exercise. In these past two years I have completely changed my attitude. I always wondered how anyone could find any kind of enjoyment in exercise - especially running - but I definitely get it now.

The Great Birmingham Run was an event that restored my faith in humanity. The amount of support from complete strangers as I ran the course was incredibly touching. Children stood at the sides with their hands out hoping for a high five whilst people I had never met shouted my name. All the clapping and signs of encouragement were enough to choke me up every few miles. 

It wasn't just the crowds that were humbling though, it was also everyone else taking part in the challenge of running a half marathon. I saw so many people running on behalf of a charity. I even had one guy run past me shouting "Come on Twidders!" as he was also running for Dementia UK. In that very brief moment we were united before he carried on running ahead. I remember when I reached the 10 mile mark I really started to struggle but some people from Dementia UK were there to shout out words of encouragement towards me. At one point I felt like my heart could have exploded from the realisation of how nice people can actually be (or could it have been from the fact I was exhausted!) Whatever it was, I felt good.

My euphoria unfortunately dimmed between the 11 and 12 miles when my feet suddenly felt heavy and a blister was forming on the bottom of my left foot. Every step it rubbed and rubbed and it was all I could focus on. There was also some inclines that I hadn't anticipated and those really hit me hard. Annoyingly I had to walk for about a minute but after a much needed jelly baby from someone in the crowd I perked up again and forced myself to run the last 1.1 mile even if it killed me. In my head I knew it wasn't far but it seemed it. In the last 500 metres when I could see the finish line ahead of me I was running on empty. There were was an even larger crowd on both sides of the track at this point and they really helped keep me going with their cheers. When I crossed that line I had never felt so relieved to be done and I as I walked to collect that all important goodie bag it slowly sunk in what I had just done. I had just completed a half marathon. Me - the girl who once hated exercise with a passion. I couldn't believe it!

Even as I walked back to the hotel to collect my bag, wrapped in my foil and eating the food from my goodie bag, strangers walking past congratulated me. When I was at the station having lunch and a cup of tea (which I had never craved so much in my life before!) I received loads of messages from my family and friends. One of my housemates had bought me flowers and a card which were waiting outside my room for me when I returned the next day. I was so overwhelmed by all the kindness from everyone that I almost cried. 

Most importantly though I have raised over £500 for Dementia UK thanks to the generosity of all my friends and family. This has been the most touching outcome of taking part in the Great Birmingham Run - all the support has been amazing and I am so thankful to every single person who donated. Dementia UK is a charity very close to my heart. All the training and struggles of achieving my first half marathon have been worth it to raise so much money for a charity whose focus is providing Admiral Nurses who can give expert support to families living with dementia. After my Mum was diagnosed last year I have wanted to do something for her and others who suffer with the disease. I also wanted to help anyone who cares for someone with dementia, like my Dad has to now. I know dementia can't be beaten so it's important there is plenty of support available to all those affected by it.

As for me and the running I will still continue with it. I'm already looking at what I can sign up to next just so I have another challenge to focus on. It truly is addictive!

F x

Dementia

A week today I will be doing the Great Birmingham Run. There are two main reasons why I am doing this run. One is for the challenge and the other is because I am raising money for Dementia UK, a charity which means a lot to me.

Sadly my mother was diagnosed with vascular dementia last year at the age of 67. My dad and I had felt something wasn't right for a long time, as did other family members because she was forgetting things, getting easily confused and she was no longer doing the things she used to do. All the activities she thrived on doing - cooking, gardening, shopping and reading she gradually stopped doing altogether. She became disinterested and hated doing anything new. She'd snap whenever my Dad or I tried to help her or ask why she wouldn't do anything. For a while we thought it was depression and that somehow we could break her out of it but after so many discussions we never made any progress.

Eventually my Dad took her to the doctors and after many appointments and tests the diagnoses was made. It was good in a way to finally know what was wrong but at the same time it hurt. It still hurts now because no matter what you do, dementia doesn't go away or get better. At best it can remain stable for a while but unfortunately it can only get worse.

My Mum is no longer the same person she was. Dementia takes everything from the person suffering with the disease. Not only does it take their memories, but it also takes away their confidence, their happiness and their abilities. I can't deny that I hate what it has done to my Mum. I hate it with a passion and sometimes I get so angry about it when I think that of all the people in the world, my Mum doesn't deserve it. She doesn't deserve to be this anxious and terrified person who now has to depend on my Dad for everything.

Before this started my Mum was always self-assured and tough and had an incredible career where she helped a lot of people. She was a nurse, a midwife and then a health visitor. People loved her for what she did for them and it saddens me when those people approach her now to thank her for her help. It's sad because she doesn't remember them. She can't quite remember the career she had and that's shit.

When I was younger I went to her for everything because I knew she would always give me the best advice. We did a lot together - shopping, baking and watching our favourite television shows. Even though we'd fall out, we'd always make up again. I can remember all that she has done for me, but she can't.

I do get jealous of my friends who still get to spend time with their Mothers. They can go out and shop and talk. If I take my Mum somewhere she panics and wants to leave immediately. She can't stand being anywhere that isn't her home. Routine is important to people with dementia and if you change even the smallest part of that routine, it can completely disrupt their world.

There is a lot you have to understand when it comes to dementia. You really have to grow some patience and accept it will never go away. It took a long time for me to get to this point. I am not proud of all the times I have snapped at my Mum when it wasn't her fault. No matter how frustrating it can be, I know it isn't her so when I hear the same story for the 20th time I bite my tongue and pretend it's the first time I have ever heard it. When she forgets everything I tell her I don't get angry, I simply tell her again as calmly as I can. When she forgot my birthday this year I tried not to take it personally.

After my Dad retired he pretty much became my Mum's carer, another outcome of dementia that angered me. He'd spent his whole life working hard and retirement was meant to be relaxing and enjoyable, but instead it is stressful and a big strain on him. He has to experience this every single day and it kills me. It's not right for this to be happening to them when they are two of the loveliest people in the world.

On 18th October 2015 I am running for my Mum and anyone else with this cruel disease. I am also running for my Dad and all those who care for people with dementia. Though dementia has taken away so much it has taught me to appreciate life and live it as best I can.

If anyone would like to make any donations towards Dementia UK by sponsoring me then please visit https://www.justgiving.com/Frances-Twiddy/

F x

Letting go

Anyone who knows me well knows that I am a real dweller of the past. When I should be putting all my efforts in to the here and now I am wasting time thinking about what has happened over the years - everything I didn't do or did do when I shouldn't have. I wake up in the middle of night sometimes and beat myself up with regrets over how I have lived my life up until now. I am not one for letting go easily and I have reached a point where I need to take serious steps towards shutting a door on the past and no longer allowing it to take over my mind.

I know it's impossible to completely forget the past but I do know I can lessen the amount of time I spend going over and over it. It's done. It's happened. I did what I did then and I cannot change it now. I have to remind myself of that otherwise I will end up beating myself up even more so when I am much older for not letting go of all of that.

I have always been a believer of fate and that things happen for a reason and I don't think I will change that. When I look over my life positively I think certain things occurred to make me tougher, bring great people in to my life and gradually develop my sense of self. I wonder if maybe I am just a slow developer. I don't have all my shit together now but eventually I might.

I go about my days with an obsession that karma will work its magic and make my life amazing. Suddenly I will have loads of money, an amazing house and a perfect partner and I can finally believe that all the hard times paid off. It's ok to have some faith but I shouldn't assume that my life can change just like that. The universe does not owe me. Nothing can actually change until I take productive steps to bring those changes about. I get it in my head that my life is so terrible and I've been played an unfair hand. More and more I am starting to see that's a load of crap. My life is actually ok and by acknowledging the good - whether small or big - things in my life I can remind myself of that. It could always be worse.

I have said it so many times before but I cannot stress it enough - I have truly wonderful and amazing friends. When I am obsessing over my past or feeling like a failure in life, I think of them and how whenever I am with them I always have a great time. If I hold on to the fact I have many bonds with so many people then I think I will get better.

Here's to letting go and living in the now....

F x

I rise and I fall

It took me a good few months to decide on a tattoo for my left thigh. I chose a phoenix because I felt it reflected my experiences with depression. I have frequently fallen down in life due to my depression or from being hurt by others but no matter what I somehow rise again. I don't believe depression will ever leave me and I don't believe I will never be hurt again, yet I know that I will find ways to cope and become stronger every time.

Each year I become a better version of myself. I am always healing and growing. More importantly I am able to pick myself up after every setback.

Eventually I will be unstoppable.

F x

Why I run

Over the weekend I did my first ever 12 miles and I am feeling pretty pleased about it.

I started running in February 2014 after deciding I had to do something to get fit. All I did then was drive to work, sit at a desk and then drive home to just sit down and watch TV. The most I did in terms of exercise would be a walk or two throughout the week. Previously I had joined gyms but I would soon get bored of going, or if my routine was disrupted I wouldn't make an effort to get it back on track. It was time I made exercise a part of my life and I opted for running.

Not once did I ever envision myself running 12 miles. Back then it wasn't my goal. My goal was to do 3 miles, which was the distance to one of the nearby villages. When I was a child I had cycled to that village so I figured I could eventually run there. In the beginning 3 miles seemed like a huge distance and being the self doubter that I am I didn't really believe I'd build up the stamina to do it. I especially believed this when I on my first run around the block I lived on I was a complete mess. I couldn't breathe, I had a stitch and I was exhausted - and that was only from trying to run maybe about 300-500 metres. The next day I literally ached all over. I could not fathom how I would ever be able to run even just 1 mile. But, deep down there was a determination to persevere.

I ran 3 times a week. I became strict on myself and made it a part of my routine. Even though it was dark and cold I'd force myself out and though I wasn't going very far I did feel good after each run. I began adding an extra 10 seconds whenever I went out, gradually building up my distance until one night I was amazed to realise I had run 1 mile. I was ecstatic. My fitness wasn't quite 100 percent, I still had nights where I'd go out and I'd have to stop several times. I really had to work on my breathing and find a comfortable pace, but that first mile was enough for me to continue.

I'd say around 3 months later I finally ran to the village nearby, achieving the 3 miles I had hoped to run when I had begun. Around the same time I signed up for Race For Life in Sheffield with my cousin and I was happily sticking to running three times a week. I actually started to look forward to the buzz I had after a good run. A friend of mine said I'd be doing 4 miles soon but I didn't believe him. Yet, one evening I hit 3 miles and still had enough energy to carry on. So I did and yup - I ran 4 miles. Something had set off inside of me, it was like a drug and I couldn't stop. Without thinking twice I signed up to do a 10k (6 miles) and that's when I knew running was a part of my life. I even asked for proper running trainers for my birthday.

Obviously it wasn't amazing every single run. I remember training for the 10k and I had times where I didn't think I could do the distance. It seemed too much. I had issues with being able to run without stopping as well. My lungs just couldn't take it and I'd become frustrated with myself for not being fit enough. I also experienced pain in my left thigh for a month or so after doing too much and had to take a break to recover. I was gutted. I became so restless during that time and I ached to get back out there despite the setbacks and my self doubt.

After rest and an incredibly agonising - but worth it - sports massage my leg recovered and I got back outside and worked on hitting 6 miles. Probably within a month or so I was able to run that distance. The day I did my 10k and got my medal I was so happy. I felt like a runner. I had toned legs for the first time ever in my life and overall I felt fit and healthy.

I thought 6 miles would be my peak. I laughed at the idea of ever even considering trying to run further than that. A half marathon was something I didn't think I could do because it was 13 miles. 13 miles!! That's insane, I thought. Yet a couple months after my 10k I was in need of a new focus and before arguing myself out of it I registered with Dementia UK for a spot in The Great Birmingham Run on 18th October 2015. I have kicked myself several times for doing this since then because it truly is a very very long way but amazingly my training is going well.

People always ask why I run. Sometimes I wonder that myself when I am getting out of bed at 6am to do it but the truth is I love it. As I have said not every single run that I have done has been enjoyable - I've had horrible stitches, leg pains, breathing difficulties and times where I just want to stop and go home. I have been hard on myself in terms of my speed but then I think I am still doing a hell of a lot more than what other people do (or don't do!) Running has given me the fitness I wanted. It has given me something to focus on, a reason to better myself and it has done wonders for my anxiety and depression. I have run in all kinds of weather. I have seen some beautiful sunrises and sunsets. I have had runs where I feel like I am unstoppable and I cannot get enough of that feeling. As the miles have gone up I have become more and more proud of myself.

Whenever I hear someone say "I could never do that - I can't run!" I instantly disagree. Anyone can run. They can if they are willing to be patient and accept that you have to build up the distance slowly. It takes time to be able to run far and I think that's why some people tend to give up so easily. They want to be able to smash out 3 miles just like that (I know I certainly did in the beginning!) But it doesn't work that way. The only way to become a runner is to take small steps and become an expert at ignoring that annoying voice that urges you not to bother. You can do it. I am proof of that and there are so many more out there who are too. Anyone that runs had to start somewhere. We can't all be good at something straight away.

Every time I achieve another mile I remember that first run around my block and how awful I had felt during it. It's hard to believe how far I have come and though it hasn't always been great, running is certainly a passion of mine. If I wasn't able to run anymore I would be devastated because I have gained so much strength and self-belief from doing it. Running truly does wonders for both my body and mind and I wouldn't be without it.

F x

Spirals and struggles

Well it's not been the best two weeks in terms of anxiety and mood. I had a complete panic last week where I was convinced I was messing up. My mind went round and round in circles and I barely slept. I had this for a couple of days. I struggled to get out of bed and face the day. I hate that I never know when it is going to strike, it always seems to happen without warning and overrides everything that I do. I can't focus on anything but negative thoughts and as hard as I try, I can't ignore them.

During these times I know it is best to open up but it's hard when I also feel that I am annoying people by bringing up problems they have heard a million times before. So I repress it all as much as I can, which predictably makes me even more anxious and miserable.

It's important to talk though, to voice the worries in your mind no matter how stupid you think it seems. Luckily I have a few close friends who I can go to any time and without hesitation they ease the burden of my mind. I still fear they hate me for how I can be, but if they do they hide it well. They can end the spiralling from absorbing me even further and remind me that what I am doing is a good path to be on and that life isn't meant to be simple and straight forward. It's ok to be scared and ok not to understand new things straight away. It takes time to adjust to a new life and a new job.

I took some big steps a couple of months ago and every single part of me was terrified. It was very much jumping into the deep end without knowing how to swim. Nevertheless if I hadn't taken the leap then, then I would probably be worse off now. I would be beating myself up about not getting anywhere or changing anything. Either way I was going to experience anxiety so I persevered with leaving home.

It's all about challenge and doing things that scare you. I have been told this is how you develop and progress. Even if the challenges you take don't turn out well it's better to have taken the risk than sit around wondering "What if?" Several times I think I may have made a mistake but I think that comes from missing the simplicity of my old life. In my panic last week I contemplated going back but I knew deep down that wouldn't solve anything. It's better to keep going and find ways to handle my issues because I want to be stronger and better as a person.

There have been more good days than bad since I left so I like to think that means I am doing the right thing. For me it's always easy to overlook my achievements and dwell on my mistakes. That's when my amazing friends step in to remind me and pick me back up again.

In one way or another everyone struggles and no one has a completely perfect life. I need to remind myself of this more often and believe that I am not a rubbish person. I'm just trying to live my life as best I can. For once I am following my own heart rather than someone else's.

F x

Frances Ha

I recently watched a film called Frances Ha. It was recommended by someone I work with and I just knew I had to watch it because 1) My name is Frances too and 2) The plot sounded intriguing.

It's about a 27 year old dancer who doesn't really have all her shit altogether. She doesn't feel like a proper adult. All around her people are grown up and doing well whereas she struggles to progress with her dance career and look after herself. I am no dancer, but the whole "everyone is doing so well and I'm still messing about" aspect is something I totally relate to.

Throughout the film one of her friends jokingly calls Frances "undatable" - that is how I view myself these days. Pretty much all of my friends are in serious relationships now - I can't even get one guy to be interested in me for longer than a week. I suppose it's bad luck and I haven't met the right one yet but there comes a point where I think "it MUST be me!!" (Even though I'm pretty certain I am a nice, normal girl...)

I could sense Frances' isolation amongst the people she knew and that no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't quite be on the same level as them - nothing seemed to work in her favour yet despite the many setbacks and disappointments she persevered. She didn't lose her spirit or desire to have fun.

I am the kind of person that for a while was on the same track as my friends. When we were teenagers, we all experienced confusion over who we were and what we wanted to be. At the start of my 20s I steered off that track and became very very lost in a destructive relationship where the focus of myself became non existent. During those years I became detached from my friends and lost my way. By the time I was single again and realising I had a lot of time to make up for in terms of career progression and generally just sorting myself out, my friends were way past that point. They were settling down with a partner, buying a house, getting married or about to have a baby. They'd already done what I was about to do - become an adult.

Even now I am still behind. I am still trying as hard as I can to get back on track but its so disheartening when I frequently remind myself of how unsuccessful I am compared to others my age. I have no partner, no baby, no house and I am still non the wiser on who I am or where I want to be.

Sometimes I'm not bothered and I view my current situation as kinda fun and that eventually my luck will change as long as I get on with things. Yet sometimes I feel like a failure. I find myself longing to be young again so that I could experience all of this confusion with my friends at the same time as them. Obviously, that can't happen.

So, like Frances Ha I am alone and struggling to be a proper adult but I will try to keep my hopes up. As lots of people say - you never know what is around the corner...

But for now, I am going nowhere fast.

F x