Frances Ha

I recently watched a film called Frances Ha. It was recommended by someone I work with and I just knew I had to watch it because 1) My name is Frances too and 2) The plot sounded intriguing.

It's about a 27 year old dancer who doesn't really have all her shit altogether. She doesn't feel like a proper adult. All around her people are grown up and doing well whereas she struggles to progress with her dance career and look after herself. I am no dancer, but the whole "everyone is doing so well and I'm still messing about" aspect is something I totally relate to.

Throughout the film one of her friends jokingly calls Frances "undatable" - that is how I view myself these days. Pretty much all of my friends are in serious relationships now - I can't even get one guy to be interested in me for longer than a week. I suppose it's bad luck and I haven't met the right one yet but there comes a point where I think "it MUST be me!!" (Even though I'm pretty certain I am a nice, normal girl...)

I could sense Frances' isolation amongst the people she knew and that no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't quite be on the same level as them - nothing seemed to work in her favour yet despite the many setbacks and disappointments she persevered. She didn't lose her spirit or desire to have fun.

I am the kind of person that for a while was on the same track as my friends. When we were teenagers, we all experienced confusion over who we were and what we wanted to be. At the start of my 20s I steered off that track and became very very lost in a destructive relationship where the focus of myself became non existent. During those years I became detached from my friends and lost my way. By the time I was single again and realising I had a lot of time to make up for in terms of career progression and generally just sorting myself out, my friends were way past that point. They were settling down with a partner, buying a house, getting married or about to have a baby. They'd already done what I was about to do - become an adult.

Even now I am still behind. I am still trying as hard as I can to get back on track but its so disheartening when I frequently remind myself of how unsuccessful I am compared to others my age. I have no partner, no baby, no house and I am still non the wiser on who I am or where I want to be.

Sometimes I'm not bothered and I view my current situation as kinda fun and that eventually my luck will change as long as I get on with things. Yet sometimes I feel like a failure. I find myself longing to be young again so that I could experience all of this confusion with my friends at the same time as them. Obviously, that can't happen.

So, like Frances Ha I am alone and struggling to be a proper adult but I will try to keep my hopes up. As lots of people say - you never know what is around the corner...

But for now, I am going nowhere fast.

F x