I rise and I fall

It took me a good few months to decide on a tattoo for my left thigh. I chose a phoenix because I felt it reflected my experiences with depression. I have frequently fallen down in life due to my depression or from being hurt by others but no matter what I somehow rise again. I don't believe depression will ever leave me and I don't believe I will never be hurt again, yet I know that I will find ways to cope and become stronger every time.

Each year I become a better version of myself. I am always healing and growing. More importantly I am able to pick myself up after every setback.

Eventually I will be unstoppable.

F x

Why I run

Over the weekend I did my first ever 12 miles and I am feeling pretty pleased about it.

I started running in February 2014 after deciding I had to do something to get fit. All I did then was drive to work, sit at a desk and then drive home to just sit down and watch TV. The most I did in terms of exercise would be a walk or two throughout the week. Previously I had joined gyms but I would soon get bored of going, or if my routine was disrupted I wouldn't make an effort to get it back on track. It was time I made exercise a part of my life and I opted for running.

Not once did I ever envision myself running 12 miles. Back then it wasn't my goal. My goal was to do 3 miles, which was the distance to one of the nearby villages. When I was a child I had cycled to that village so I figured I could eventually run there. In the beginning 3 miles seemed like a huge distance and being the self doubter that I am I didn't really believe I'd build up the stamina to do it. I especially believed this when I on my first run around the block I lived on I was a complete mess. I couldn't breathe, I had a stitch and I was exhausted - and that was only from trying to run maybe about 300-500 metres. The next day I literally ached all over. I could not fathom how I would ever be able to run even just 1 mile. But, deep down there was a determination to persevere.

I ran 3 times a week. I became strict on myself and made it a part of my routine. Even though it was dark and cold I'd force myself out and though I wasn't going very far I did feel good after each run. I began adding an extra 10 seconds whenever I went out, gradually building up my distance until one night I was amazed to realise I had run 1 mile. I was ecstatic. My fitness wasn't quite 100 percent, I still had nights where I'd go out and I'd have to stop several times. I really had to work on my breathing and find a comfortable pace, but that first mile was enough for me to continue.

I'd say around 3 months later I finally ran to the village nearby, achieving the 3 miles I had hoped to run when I had begun. Around the same time I signed up for Race For Life in Sheffield with my cousin and I was happily sticking to running three times a week. I actually started to look forward to the buzz I had after a good run. A friend of mine said I'd be doing 4 miles soon but I didn't believe him. Yet, one evening I hit 3 miles and still had enough energy to carry on. So I did and yup - I ran 4 miles. Something had set off inside of me, it was like a drug and I couldn't stop. Without thinking twice I signed up to do a 10k (6 miles) and that's when I knew running was a part of my life. I even asked for proper running trainers for my birthday.

Obviously it wasn't amazing every single run. I remember training for the 10k and I had times where I didn't think I could do the distance. It seemed too much. I had issues with being able to run without stopping as well. My lungs just couldn't take it and I'd become frustrated with myself for not being fit enough. I also experienced pain in my left thigh for a month or so after doing too much and had to take a break to recover. I was gutted. I became so restless during that time and I ached to get back out there despite the setbacks and my self doubt.

After rest and an incredibly agonising - but worth it - sports massage my leg recovered and I got back outside and worked on hitting 6 miles. Probably within a month or so I was able to run that distance. The day I did my 10k and got my medal I was so happy. I felt like a runner. I had toned legs for the first time ever in my life and overall I felt fit and healthy.

I thought 6 miles would be my peak. I laughed at the idea of ever even considering trying to run further than that. A half marathon was something I didn't think I could do because it was 13 miles. 13 miles!! That's insane, I thought. Yet a couple months after my 10k I was in need of a new focus and before arguing myself out of it I registered with Dementia UK for a spot in The Great Birmingham Run on 18th October 2015. I have kicked myself several times for doing this since then because it truly is a very very long way but amazingly my training is going well.

People always ask why I run. Sometimes I wonder that myself when I am getting out of bed at 6am to do it but the truth is I love it. As I have said not every single run that I have done has been enjoyable - I've had horrible stitches, leg pains, breathing difficulties and times where I just want to stop and go home. I have been hard on myself in terms of my speed but then I think I am still doing a hell of a lot more than what other people do (or don't do!) Running has given me the fitness I wanted. It has given me something to focus on, a reason to better myself and it has done wonders for my anxiety and depression. I have run in all kinds of weather. I have seen some beautiful sunrises and sunsets. I have had runs where I feel like I am unstoppable and I cannot get enough of that feeling. As the miles have gone up I have become more and more proud of myself.

Whenever I hear someone say "I could never do that - I can't run!" I instantly disagree. Anyone can run. They can if they are willing to be patient and accept that you have to build up the distance slowly. It takes time to be able to run far and I think that's why some people tend to give up so easily. They want to be able to smash out 3 miles just like that (I know I certainly did in the beginning!) But it doesn't work that way. The only way to become a runner is to take small steps and become an expert at ignoring that annoying voice that urges you not to bother. You can do it. I am proof of that and there are so many more out there who are too. Anyone that runs had to start somewhere. We can't all be good at something straight away.

Every time I achieve another mile I remember that first run around my block and how awful I had felt during it. It's hard to believe how far I have come and though it hasn't always been great, running is certainly a passion of mine. If I wasn't able to run anymore I would be devastated because I have gained so much strength and self-belief from doing it. Running truly does wonders for both my body and mind and I wouldn't be without it.

F x

Spirals and struggles

Well it's not been the best two weeks in terms of anxiety and mood. I had a complete panic last week where I was convinced I was messing up. My mind went round and round in circles and I barely slept. I had this for a couple of days. I struggled to get out of bed and face the day. I hate that I never know when it is going to strike, it always seems to happen without warning and overrides everything that I do. I can't focus on anything but negative thoughts and as hard as I try, I can't ignore them.

During these times I know it is best to open up but it's hard when I also feel that I am annoying people by bringing up problems they have heard a million times before. So I repress it all as much as I can, which predictably makes me even more anxious and miserable.

It's important to talk though, to voice the worries in your mind no matter how stupid you think it seems. Luckily I have a few close friends who I can go to any time and without hesitation they ease the burden of my mind. I still fear they hate me for how I can be, but if they do they hide it well. They can end the spiralling from absorbing me even further and remind me that what I am doing is a good path to be on and that life isn't meant to be simple and straight forward. It's ok to be scared and ok not to understand new things straight away. It takes time to adjust to a new life and a new job.

I took some big steps a couple of months ago and every single part of me was terrified. It was very much jumping into the deep end without knowing how to swim. Nevertheless if I hadn't taken the leap then, then I would probably be worse off now. I would be beating myself up about not getting anywhere or changing anything. Either way I was going to experience anxiety so I persevered with leaving home.

It's all about challenge and doing things that scare you. I have been told this is how you develop and progress. Even if the challenges you take don't turn out well it's better to have taken the risk than sit around wondering "What if?" Several times I think I may have made a mistake but I think that comes from missing the simplicity of my old life. In my panic last week I contemplated going back but I knew deep down that wouldn't solve anything. It's better to keep going and find ways to handle my issues because I want to be stronger and better as a person.

There have been more good days than bad since I left so I like to think that means I am doing the right thing. For me it's always easy to overlook my achievements and dwell on my mistakes. That's when my amazing friends step in to remind me and pick me back up again.

In one way or another everyone struggles and no one has a completely perfect life. I need to remind myself of this more often and believe that I am not a rubbish person. I'm just trying to live my life as best I can. For once I am following my own heart rather than someone else's.

F x

Frances Ha

I recently watched a film called Frances Ha. It was recommended by someone I work with and I just knew I had to watch it because 1) My name is Frances too and 2) The plot sounded intriguing.

It's about a 27 year old dancer who doesn't really have all her shit altogether. She doesn't feel like a proper adult. All around her people are grown up and doing well whereas she struggles to progress with her dance career and look after herself. I am no dancer, but the whole "everyone is doing so well and I'm still messing about" aspect is something I totally relate to.

Throughout the film one of her friends jokingly calls Frances "undatable" - that is how I view myself these days. Pretty much all of my friends are in serious relationships now - I can't even get one guy to be interested in me for longer than a week. I suppose it's bad luck and I haven't met the right one yet but there comes a point where I think "it MUST be me!!" (Even though I'm pretty certain I am a nice, normal girl...)

I could sense Frances' isolation amongst the people she knew and that no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't quite be on the same level as them - nothing seemed to work in her favour yet despite the many setbacks and disappointments she persevered. She didn't lose her spirit or desire to have fun.

I am the kind of person that for a while was on the same track as my friends. When we were teenagers, we all experienced confusion over who we were and what we wanted to be. At the start of my 20s I steered off that track and became very very lost in a destructive relationship where the focus of myself became non existent. During those years I became detached from my friends and lost my way. By the time I was single again and realising I had a lot of time to make up for in terms of career progression and generally just sorting myself out, my friends were way past that point. They were settling down with a partner, buying a house, getting married or about to have a baby. They'd already done what I was about to do - become an adult.

Even now I am still behind. I am still trying as hard as I can to get back on track but its so disheartening when I frequently remind myself of how unsuccessful I am compared to others my age. I have no partner, no baby, no house and I am still non the wiser on who I am or where I want to be.

Sometimes I'm not bothered and I view my current situation as kinda fun and that eventually my luck will change as long as I get on with things. Yet sometimes I feel like a failure. I find myself longing to be young again so that I could experience all of this confusion with my friends at the same time as them. Obviously, that can't happen.

So, like Frances Ha I am alone and struggling to be a proper adult but I will try to keep my hopes up. As lots of people say - you never know what is around the corner...

But for now, I am going nowhere fast.

F x

The friends that keep you going

I've been spending a lot of time with friends recently which is why I didn't manage to post anything last week.

It always fills me with so much excitement when I make plans to see my friends, especially when its a large group of us getting together for a long weekend. I know I will laugh, I will relax and I can forget about work and personal issues. I can just be with my friends, enjoying their company and feeling like we are still young and reckless. All we do is mess about and it warms my soul.

Everyone says this and it's cheesy but I honestly do not where I would be without my friends. I feel lucky to have so many good people that I can meet up with and laugh my cares away with. Even at my lowest points, my friends have the ability to ease some of that annoying misery I am prone to. I love my friends and what they have done for me. Some have been with me through some of my darkest times and despite how awful I was, they still stuck around. I don't think I can ever truly show how thankful I am because if it weren't for the amazing people that are my friends, I'd be very stuck.

It feels incredible when I realise the variety of people I have in my life that are true friends and the histories we have. There are so many private jokes and so many memories I have made with each and every one of them. Even though I am alone, I still have these wonderful people that I can count on and what amazes me more is that I still continue to make friends. Wherever I go I am able to create new bonds with others and I love that you go can through life making friends along the way.

So this is a soppy post. A soppy post for all my friends who do so much for me and more. I love you all.

F x

Mental Abuse

I have never really sat down and properly typed a post about mental abuse. I find this odd when it's something I unfortunately experienced for over 6 years and even though I am well removed and over that relationship - (it's been a good two years or so) - it is still something that plays on my mind every single day. I don't know how anyone can forget something like that when it can completely break you down and it can take a long time to build yourself back up again. Even now I still have bad moments where I remember all the horrible words that were aimed at me.

When I was in that relationship, I never once considered it to be abusive or something that I shouldn't be putting up with. I literally thought I deserved it, that it was all my fault that my ex treated me the way he did. That's the clever trick people like him master though - they gradually convince you that their terrible behaviour is your fault. The amount of times I heard the lines "I wouldn't be like this with you if you were different..." or "You pushed me to say that. You shouldn't push me." Not once did I ever receive an apology for his verbal abuse. In fact it was always me apologising to him. That's how twisted it was.

I look back over those years with such regret for never standing up for myself - for never fighting back and just letting him belittle me at every opportunity. But then I realise that it would have been impossible to reason with him because compromise is not something he ever entertained. It was his way or no way. There was no way I could ever have won against him. Perhaps I was too weak (as he often told me I was) but I think it just boils down to the fact I am a nice person and he knew that therefore he took advantage of it as much as he could.

It's hard to understand why someone who is meant to love and care for you could treat you so terribly.  And it's also so hard to explain why I put up with it. I think it was a mixture of not wanting to be alone, that I believed I loved him and he loved me too and that one day things would get better between us. We did have good times together, he could be generous and caring, but behind closed doors there were times when I'd find myself being shouted at for not being "confident" enough, for not being "girly" enough, for not being "sexy" enough....there were many many things that were wrong with me according to him. I was called a "cunt" quite frequently and a "fat bitch" or "thick bitch" whenever he wanted to break me down by playing on my weaknesses. (Another abuser technique.)

It's not easy to remove yourself from that situation because they shatter your confidence so much that you become dependent on them. Even though they abuse you, you can't imagine leaving them because you believe you can't do any better. For me, I didn't believe anyone else would want me. I believed there really was something wrong with me because why else would my ex treat me that way? I never once considered it was him that was the problem. All those years I spent thinking I was the issue, the one who needed to change when really it was him the whole time. I didn't realise this until a good few months after our break up.

Moving on from such a destructive relationship isn't easy. As I said earlier the abuser becomes your world - especially with mine as he stopped me from seeing a lot of my closet friends - convincing me that I didn't need them, that they weren't proper friends to me (when really they were ten times better for me than he ever would be.) I struggled to get over him. It felt like the end of the world to me. Everything I had known was gone and I didn't have any idea what to do with myself. I was a complete wreck and beat myself up so much over the fact I never changed for him. However, once that passed I started to see that our relationship wasn't normal and I had actually been going through mental abuse the whole time.

It was like looking back on it all with a fresh perspective. Once any kind of feelings for him had left my system it was like the bullshit he had fed me went with them. It wasn't all my fault, I had never once during that relationship deserved his disgusting treatment. He was a controlling bully who rather than love and respect me, had verbally beaten me down to nothing the entire time we had been together.

I am far from perfect and do have my flaws but rather than help me with my problems he made them worse. No matter how many times he told me he was helping - he hadn't been whatsoever. He did nothing but tell me I was a shit girlfriend who should have been thankful he was putting up with me because he could do so much better than me. Where in fact it was more that I could have done better than him.

Nobody should ever have to go through what I did and I do urge anyone who feels like they are experiencing abuse to get help and leave. Yet I know that's it's really not that easy to do. It angers me that people like my ex exist in this world, that they deem it acceptable to control someone else's life and treat them so appallingly. The amount of times I wish I could go back and give my ex a piece of mind, but I know it wouldn't make any difference. People like him don't change. They will always believe they are perfect and nothing is ever their fault. So, realistically you just have to let it go.

My ex moved on from me within a couple of months so it's clear he never loved me. Maybe he's controlling her life now - I just don't know. I am yet to be with someone else when annoyingly the echoes of his abusive words still float around in my mind day to day. Some days are worse than others but they still haunt me. Despite counselling and many heart to hearts with close friends and family I still feel the effect of those insults. I carry them with me every day, which makes it harder for me to trust someone else.

I still have hope though, I still hope that one day I will meet someone decent but for now it's just me. At least I have some fantastic friends who I know will always be there for me and I would rather be alone than ever go through that hell again.

F x

People and realisations

I find other people so fascinating. Yesterday I went to a barbecue and met some new people and it all started off fairly normal and easy going but by the end of the night there was drama.

What gets me is that sometimes I meet people that have an amazing house, a great job with good money and are living comfortably. They get to travel and do fun things. I have always believed that having all that stability and money automatically means you will be happy and satisfied. But that isn't always the case.

One guy I meant last night has this ideal life I often find myself craving for, yet I could see by the end of the night after something happened to him that he wasn't particularly happy with himself and his life. By the end of the night he was alone drinking and feeling sorry for himself because he wanted a girl he couldn't have. (In a nutshell he had invited an ex to the barbecue who then all convinced us to go out to a club later in the evening. Whilst there he saw her kissing another man and it really hurt him. He left the club feeling distraught.)

It surprised me a little that someone seemingly so "sorted" in life was still prone to that kind of heartbreak and I realised that even if I had all the things he had, it wouldn't mean I'd be immune to sadness or hurt, or that crushing feeling of loneliness that I experience now and then.

I suppose it really doesn't matter what you do in life, you'll always want something you can't have and experience disappointments. Believing that if you had or did certain things you will instantly be happy isn't right. I gradually realise each day that I shouldn't assume money will make me happy. What would probably make me happier is just to live my life as best I can even if I can't go off on expensive holidays or buy nice things. Being kind, considerate and helpful towards others would also bring me more satisfaction than being able to afford a fancy handbag.

It's probably always best to remember that money can come and go, but your values and who you are as a person is what sticks. Don't ever focus on the materials of life. You just have to carry on regardless, make the best of what you have and accept that we can't have it all.

F x