Mental Abuse

I have never really sat down and properly typed a post about mental abuse. I find this odd when it's something I unfortunately experienced for over 6 years and even though I am well removed and over that relationship - (it's been a good two years or so) - it is still something that plays on my mind every single day. I don't know how anyone can forget something like that when it can completely break you down and it can take a long time to build yourself back up again. Even now I still have bad moments where I remember all the horrible words that were aimed at me.

When I was in that relationship, I never once considered it to be abusive or something that I shouldn't be putting up with. I literally thought I deserved it, that it was all my fault that my ex treated me the way he did. That's the clever trick people like him master though - they gradually convince you that their terrible behaviour is your fault. The amount of times I heard the lines "I wouldn't be like this with you if you were different..." or "You pushed me to say that. You shouldn't push me." Not once did I ever receive an apology for his verbal abuse. In fact it was always me apologising to him. That's how twisted it was.

I look back over those years with such regret for never standing up for myself - for never fighting back and just letting him belittle me at every opportunity. But then I realise that it would have been impossible to reason with him because compromise is not something he ever entertained. It was his way or no way. There was no way I could ever have won against him. Perhaps I was too weak (as he often told me I was) but I think it just boils down to the fact I am a nice person and he knew that therefore he took advantage of it as much as he could.

It's hard to understand why someone who is meant to love and care for you could treat you so terribly.  And it's also so hard to explain why I put up with it. I think it was a mixture of not wanting to be alone, that I believed I loved him and he loved me too and that one day things would get better between us. We did have good times together, he could be generous and caring, but behind closed doors there were times when I'd find myself being shouted at for not being "confident" enough, for not being "girly" enough, for not being "sexy" enough....there were many many things that were wrong with me according to him. I was called a "cunt" quite frequently and a "fat bitch" or "thick bitch" whenever he wanted to break me down by playing on my weaknesses. (Another abuser technique.)

It's not easy to remove yourself from that situation because they shatter your confidence so much that you become dependent on them. Even though they abuse you, you can't imagine leaving them because you believe you can't do any better. For me, I didn't believe anyone else would want me. I believed there really was something wrong with me because why else would my ex treat me that way? I never once considered it was him that was the problem. All those years I spent thinking I was the issue, the one who needed to change when really it was him the whole time. I didn't realise this until a good few months after our break up.

Moving on from such a destructive relationship isn't easy. As I said earlier the abuser becomes your world - especially with mine as he stopped me from seeing a lot of my closet friends - convincing me that I didn't need them, that they weren't proper friends to me (when really they were ten times better for me than he ever would be.) I struggled to get over him. It felt like the end of the world to me. Everything I had known was gone and I didn't have any idea what to do with myself. I was a complete wreck and beat myself up so much over the fact I never changed for him. However, once that passed I started to see that our relationship wasn't normal and I had actually been going through mental abuse the whole time.

It was like looking back on it all with a fresh perspective. Once any kind of feelings for him had left my system it was like the bullshit he had fed me went with them. It wasn't all my fault, I had never once during that relationship deserved his disgusting treatment. He was a controlling bully who rather than love and respect me, had verbally beaten me down to nothing the entire time we had been together.

I am far from perfect and do have my flaws but rather than help me with my problems he made them worse. No matter how many times he told me he was helping - he hadn't been whatsoever. He did nothing but tell me I was a shit girlfriend who should have been thankful he was putting up with me because he could do so much better than me. Where in fact it was more that I could have done better than him.

Nobody should ever have to go through what I did and I do urge anyone who feels like they are experiencing abuse to get help and leave. Yet I know that's it's really not that easy to do. It angers me that people like my ex exist in this world, that they deem it acceptable to control someone else's life and treat them so appallingly. The amount of times I wish I could go back and give my ex a piece of mind, but I know it wouldn't make any difference. People like him don't change. They will always believe they are perfect and nothing is ever their fault. So, realistically you just have to let it go.

My ex moved on from me within a couple of months so it's clear he never loved me. Maybe he's controlling her life now - I just don't know. I am yet to be with someone else when annoyingly the echoes of his abusive words still float around in my mind day to day. Some days are worse than others but they still haunt me. Despite counselling and many heart to hearts with close friends and family I still feel the effect of those insults. I carry them with me every day, which makes it harder for me to trust someone else.

I still have hope though, I still hope that one day I will meet someone decent but for now it's just me. At least I have some fantastic friends who I know will always be there for me and I would rather be alone than ever go through that hell again.

F x