The kindness of others

When something like dementia hits a family, its important to seek help and support - especially for the carer. A break, even for just an hour, can make all the difference for their piece of mind.

My mother's dementia gets worse by the month. She is now like a child, accept she is like a child that doesn't learn. You tell her things several times, but its unlikely to stick. She is even more dependent on my dad, more than ever before. There is literally no way she can look after herself and sadly, at the rate the disease is taking over her mind, I'm not certain my dad can continue to be her carer a year or so from now.

The kindness of others can be a comfort in such a horrible situation. Its heart warming that friends will gather and offer help in any way they can. These people I am most thankful for.

I think I can now be certain that my mother truly is gone and I miss her every single day. If I could go back to before this happened, I would have done so much more to be there for her and cherish our time together.

You never know when you're going to loose a parent, so make the most of it whilst you still can because sometimes life can be incredibly cruel.

F x

Not running

I've not been a very happy bunny recently. I injured my leg during an 8 mile run two weeks ago and I don't know what it is or how to fix it. And whilst I am typing about this, can we just take a moment to wonder why physio is so bloody expensive? 40 quid or more just to have some person poke and pull your leg a bit to confirm there is a problem and you need to keep coming back every week to fork out more money....I am in the wrong job!

I didn't ever think to put money aside for an injury. I've been running two years and although I know no one is immune to injuries, I was quite lucky in that I didn't have any issues apart from a pulled muscle at the start of my training, which was easily fixed. I guess I started to feel immune and that I could run as much as I wanted without nothing going wrong. I wasn't completely relaxed though. I still stretched after every run and invested in a foam roller - I even started doing exercises a few months ago to strengthen my core. In doing all this, an injury was far from my mind.

So when I returned from the my run 2 weeks ago and felt pain in my right shin, I wasn't too concerned at first. I figured it would pass within a day or so. Even when I was literally limping to Tescos with my housemate to buy hot chocolate and Avocados (as you do...) I said to her I was fine and that the pain would soon go. Looking at me with concern and suggesting she fetch the car to drive me home, I knew she didn't believe me but I had faith.

A few days later I was managing to walk but there was still pain. When I tried to run it was even worse. That's when I realised it wasn't going to go away on its own. I spoke to others and they said I probably had shin splints. In a panic I googled my symptoms and actually convinced myself I had a stress fracture. I headed straight to the walk-in centre in Nottingham one Friday night and waited 3 hours to see someone who could do nothing for me other than recommend rest, pain killers and to see my GP if nothing improved.

Frustrated as hell I went to my GP and was still none the wiser after seeing her. She prescribed anti-inflammatory pills, rest and that if it didn't feel better after a couple of weeks she could refer me to a specialist. Why, I wondered, she couldn't do it there and then I do not know. I left and headed to the chemist for the pills which I am now taking and though they make me queasy, they do ease the pain. But I know it is still there and its pissing me off.

I have always loved running and what it does for my anxiety and depression. Yet I never realised just how much I relied on it to make me feel better when work or personal stuff was starting to bring me down. It was my way of coping, my guaranteed mood booster that lessened the burden on my shoulders.

I ran for that buzz and I now I miss it like crazy. I have been doing other exercises such as cycling, rowing and cross training, but nothing I have tried so far brings me the same satisfaction as running does. I find myself restless and emotional. Its only been a fortnight and I want to be better already. I want to be out there again but my leg won't allow it.

I just wish I knew what it was. If I knew what I was dealing with, I could take the correct steps towards healing but right now it is just a guessing game. And annoyingly whilst I am not running, I am becoming more and more grumpy and stressed.

I am an impatient person when it comes to not doing something I love. Therefore I am booking myself in for physio despite the blow my purse will take. Though I know I can do it through the NHS, it will no doubt take weeks or months before I see someone. I want this sorted. I want to be out there again along with all the other runners I see every day, whom I look at with overwhelming jealousy.

Until next time...

F x

Unsettled

It might be January blues but it is certainly turning in to a tough month.

I can't recall the last time I have ever felt settled. It seems I always have something on my mind that I know I need to change. Once I have changed it, something else happens and I'm off again worrying and stressing about how to sort it out.

Currently there are changes going on at work and though I have known for a while they were coming, they are becoming more and more real this month. The team I've just settled in to is about to change. I am trying to come to terms with the fact I will no longer be able to work with one of the best Managers I have ever had as well as wondering what will happen to me. I don't know if I have to look else where or stay put. I don't know if there will be a job for me.

I'm dealing with the unknown and I hate the unknown because I always assume the worst. I have nothing I can control in any of it - I'm just waiting to be told what to do. I don't know how else to make a decision.

Its sad that it will all change. I only started in July but it hasn't taken long to become good friends with my team.

This situation has just further shown me that life never comes with any guarantees. Significant changes are happening all the time, more than ever before it seems. I'm losing grip on control and structure and I'm growing unsettled again. My mind is racing with what I should do.

I'm still trying to find my place in the world. It seems to be my ongoing battle. Sometimes its exciting but at times like these, its not fun. Its worrying.

I just want one thing in my life that is solid and consistent.

Until next time...

F x

New addition

"Because wherever you go, there will always be beauty"

A while ago I had "Je suis seule" tattooed on my arm, which is french for "I am alone". As I have gotten better, I have wanted to cover the statement with something much more positive. Though I still feel alone, I know I am not really. I have a lot of kind, caring and amazing people in my life who I can count on.

I have found as I go through life I meet more and more wonderful people. This tattoo represents that and that no matter what happens, no matter how dark my days can be - there is always someone there.

F x

Meant to be?

Sometimes even when all the signs are there, it doesn't mean that it is meant to be - this is something I have learnt recently.

As a person who tends to put faith in the universe to provide signals to lead me in the right direction, this has thrown me. I have gone over it so many times; seeing all the similarities and things in common but there has been no attraction. And I do not believe you can ever force attraction.

I can't get past this problem. I swear there is something wrong with my mind, something wrong with me, to not feel anything. I'm angry at myself and a little pissed that the signs, though so painfully obvious, have failed me big time.

Universe, what are you doing to me?!

F x

Ding ding....round 2

In November I registered with eHarmony. I received several emails a day informing me I had new matches and messages from men but I couldn't see these or do anything about them until I subscribed. I knew that, yet I was hesitant to part with my money. I was hesitant to invest in something that has gone so terribly wrong in the past. Dating is just not my thing. Dating I do not get. Dating is what other people do so naturally well whereas I fail at it so incredibly. I can barely flirt and I can be so socially awkward when it comes to meeting people for the first time.

I have umed and ahed many many times as my inbox has filled with alerts from eHarmony. In my mind I'd argue with myself. I kept thinking that if I didn't subscribe I'd never meet anyone but then I'd think there was probably no point wasting my money by setting myself up for disappointment all over again. There were numerous times when I'd get home from work, go on my laptop with my card ready to pay before talking myself out of it when I'd see all the payment options.

After going back and forth like this and discussing it with a few of my friends and even my cousin at one point (who actually went all Mrs Doyle on me by saying "You will you will you will!" in response to my frequently used statement "I will never meet anyone!") I finally made the decision to subscribe.

I deem this as "Round 2". The first time I was using free dating sites and I like to think that because people are paying to use eHarmony it means they are taking dating a bit more seriously and aren't looking for an easy shag. I truly hope that is the case because if I have to go through one more experience of those stupid mind games some guys play where they keep you wondering whether they like you or not I will definitely resign myself to the crazy cat lady life. (I will also scream if someone tells me "I'm only looking for fun" again - those kind of guys I have zero time for now.

So in the words of the legend that is Taylor Swift, "I'm dying to see how this one ends".

Undoubtedly I will update this blog with how Round 2 goes.

Until next time....

F x

The Bad Blogger

I had no idea how long it had been since I last posted on here and I am quite disappointed with myself...

The first is excuse is that I went on holiday. The second is that when I returned from holiday I was overwhelmed with work. The third and final excuse is the realisation that my Mum's dementia has sadly gotten worse since I moved away.

The resulting worry and stress of that realisation has really gotten to me over the last few weeks. Its affected my motivation, mood and even my running. I cannot help but feel desperately sad about her condition and the strain on my Dad who is now caring for her. When I dwell on this I can't help but feel bitter because it is not fair that this happening to her. She doesn't deserve it after all she has done.

With the stress has come regret; I regret not living my life better. I am working hard to go far in my career, yet I am nowhere near a success yet. I live in a house share in a house that quite frankly can be pretty rank at times. However, it was my choice to live as cheap as possible because I don't earn a lot. I am disappointed in myself. As hard as try to get somewhere, I seem to get further and further behind. I frequently stop and look at what I have achieved at the age of 28 and come to the conclusion that its not an awful lot.

I want to help my parents. As I am their only child still in England (my two older brothers live in other countries) I keep feeling responsible. I want to be able to provide financial support but I can't and I hate myself for it. All I can do is listen when my Dad needs to vent or help out with chores whenever I am home. I don't believe it is enough though. It breaks my heart that I am incredibly useless in this situation.

I remember a couple of years ago when my Dad and I started noticing that my Mum's behaviour wasn't right. I remember talking to one of my brothers about how she didn't want to do anything and that she was forgetting things. He said something along the lines of, "Our brain's get lazy if we don't stimulate them enough as we get older. Perhaps if she had grandchildren around, she'd have them to keep her busy." It wasn't a dig at me but sometimes I wonder if I had had kids, would she have been different? Deep down I know she wouldn't have been. Once dementia starts, it doesn't go away. It gradually and then rather suddenly, gets worse. It just makes me sad that I never provided her with grandchildren before the illness really kicked in. For maybe just a year or so she could have enjoyed being a Grandma. But instead I was messing about, wasting my time and amounting to nothing.

Hindsight is not a wonderful thing. It is a constant reminder of how much I have messed up and let my parents down over the years. I should be so much more for them and I'm not.

F x