Bad days

I think one of my biggest regrets in life is never pushing myself sooner to become someone because I find as I get older that it is more and more difficult to be the person I should be.

I am directionless. I am behind the crowd and unable to catch up because I still keep getting stuck.

I haven't just let myself down. I have also let my family down. I am not the daughter, sister, niece or cousin they deserve. I have nothing to show for my 28 years. I do nothing but daydream. I imagine a life I could have - a life that I will never have.

During my bad days, like today, I do wonder what is the point in trying. As much as I try to believe that I am not a joke, it's hard not to when I realise that I don't amount to much.

I'm sorry for the sad post today. I know it will pass...

Until next time.

F x

Unsettled

It might be January blues but it is certainly turning in to a tough month.

I can't recall the last time I have ever felt settled. It seems I always have something on my mind that I know I need to change. Once I have changed it, something else happens and I'm off again worrying and stressing about how to sort it out.

Currently there are changes going on at work and though I have known for a while they were coming, they are becoming more and more real this month. The team I've just settled in to is about to change. I am trying to come to terms with the fact I will no longer be able to work with one of the best Managers I have ever had as well as wondering what will happen to me. I don't know if I have to look else where or stay put. I don't know if there will be a job for me.

I'm dealing with the unknown and I hate the unknown because I always assume the worst. I have nothing I can control in any of it - I'm just waiting to be told what to do. I don't know how else to make a decision.

Its sad that it will all change. I only started in July but it hasn't taken long to become good friends with my team.

This situation has just further shown me that life never comes with any guarantees. Significant changes are happening all the time, more than ever before it seems. I'm losing grip on control and structure and I'm growing unsettled again. My mind is racing with what I should do.

I'm still trying to find my place in the world. It seems to be my ongoing battle. Sometimes its exciting but at times like these, its not fun. Its worrying.

I just want one thing in my life that is solid and consistent.

Until next time...

F x